Habit 4—Think “win-win”—is the root. It’s the fundamental paradigm of seeking mutual benefit, or the “Golden Rule.” It’s the underlying motive, the nurturing attitude out of which understanding and synergy grow.
Habit 5—Seek first to understand . . . then to be understood—is the route. It’s the method, the pathway that leads to rich interdependent interaction. It’s the ability to step out of your own autobiography and really get into the head and heart of someone else.
Habit 6—Synergize—is the fruit. It’s the result, the end product, the rich reward of the effort. It’s creating transcendent third-alternative solutions. It’s not “your way” or “my way”; it’s a better, a higher way.
Together, these three habits create the process that leads to the most phenomenal magic in family life—the ability to work together to create new ideas, new solutions that are better than any individual family member could ever come up with alone. In addition, they build moral authority into the culture by integrating the principles of mutual respect, mutual understanding, and creative cooperation into the very structures, systems, and processes of the family. This goes way beyond the goodness of the people and the quality of their relationships. It causes perpetuation and internalization and institutionalization of these principles into the norms and mores and traditions of the culture itself.
And what a difference this makes! Going back to the airplane metaphor, we could say that while it may be challenging to reach your destination when there’s turbulent weather outside the plane, it’s even more difficult when the turbulence is in the social weather inside the plane—when there’s contention, bickering, fighting, complaining, and criticizing between pilots or between the pilots and the crew or control tower.
Creating great social weather inside the cockpit is the focus of Habits 4, 5, and 6. And what it essentially involves is helping family members learn to ask one question and make one commitment.
The question is this: “Would you be willing to search for a solution that is better than what either of us is now proposing?”
The commitment is this: “Let me listen to you first” or “Help me understand.”
If you have the personal security and the skill and will to do these two things sincerely and consistently, you will be able to live Habits 4, 5, and 6.
Now most of this process is completely within your Circle of Influence. Going back to the arm wrestling demonstration, notice that all it takes to change the situation is for one person to think win-win—not two, only one. This is an extremely important point because most people are willing to think win-win if others will, but all it takes is one proactive person to think it deep inside and to genuinely want a solution that is ultimately win-win. You think win-win—not win-lose or lose-win—even when and even because others do not.
It also takes only one person to seek first to understand. In the arm wrestling example, this is manifested by immediately going limp and seeking first the interest of the other person. In life it means to seek first the interest of the other, to understand the other person’s needs, wants, and concerns.
So both Habits 4 and 5 can be done by one proactive person.
But Habit 6—Synergize—takes two. This is the exciting adventure of creating something new with someone, and it grows out of the win-win thinking and understanding created by Habits 4 and 5. The magical thing about synergy is that not only does it create new alternatives but it is also tremendously bonding to the relationship because you create something new together. It’s like what happens between parents who have created a child together. That child becomes a powerful bonding force in the relationship. It brings them together. It gives them a common bond, a common vision, a common interest, a common stewardship that transcends and subordinates other interests. Can you see how this builds the relationship, how it builds the Emotional Bank Account?
These three habits represent the essence of “family”—the deep inner movement from “me” to “we.” So let’s take a closer look now at these habits, beginning with Habit 4—Think “win-win.”
No One Likes to Lose
One father shared this experience in coming to understand why his son was so unhappy:
Our two boys were very competitive in their relationship with each other. This resulted in frequent squabbles between the two. When the oldest was twelve and the youngest was ten, we went on a long-awaited vacation. But just when we should have been enjoying ourselves the most, the conflict between these two heated up to the point that it was affecting us all in a negative manner. I felt that the older boy was more to blame than the younger one, so I went for a walk with him so that we could talk. When confronted with my criticism of his behavior, he abruptly announced, “The thing you don’t understand is that I can’t stand my brother.”
When I asked him why, he said, “He’s always saying things to me that really bug me. On this vacation we’re always around each other in the car or wherever we go, and I get so I can’t stand to be near him. I wish you would buy me a bus ticket and just let me go home so I wouldn’t have to see him anymore.”
I was shocked by the intensity of his negative feelings toward his brother. Nothing I could say had any effect in making him see things differently.
We returned to the tent where we were camped. I asked my younger son to come for a walk with us. He didn’t want to go when he found out his older brother was going to go along. The older one didn’t want to go, either, but I encouraged both boys to give it a chance. They finally agreed, so we hiked to the top of a nearby ridge where the three of us sat down and began to talk.
I addressed the older boy, “You said some things about your brother. Now he is here, and I’d like you to tell him personally what you told me.”
He spoke right up and said, “I hate this vacation, and I want to go home just to get away from you.”
The younger boy was hurt by these cutting words. Blinking at the sudden tears that came to his eyes, he looked down and quietly said, “Why?”
His older brother was quick and certain with his answer, “Because you’re always saying things that make me mad. I just don’t want to be around you.”
The younger brother sighed. “I just do that because every time we play a game you always win.”
“Well, sure I always win,” the older boy quickly replied. “I’m better than you.”
With that the little boy could hardly speak. But then from the depths of his heart he said, “Yeah, but every time you win, I lose. And I just can’t stand to lose all the time. So I say things to bug you. . . . I don’t want you to go home. I like being with you. But I just can’t stand to lose all the time.”
These tearful words reached the heart of the older brother. The tone of his words softened as he said, “Okay, I won’t go home. But will you please just stop saying and doing the stupid things that make me so mad at you?”
“Okay,” the younger boy replied. “And will you stop feeling that you always have to win?”
That little talk saved our vacation. It didn’t make things perfect, but it made them tolerable. I don’t think the older boy ever forgot his little brother’s words: “I just can’t stand to lose all the time.”
I know I’ll never forget my young son’s words. Losing all the time or even most of the time can make any of us say and do stupid things that bug others and even bug ourselves.
No one likes to lose—especially in close family relationships. But we typically go into situations with a win-lose mind-set. And most of the time we don’t even realize it.
Many of us came out of homes where we were always being compared to a brother or sister. In school we were graded “on the curve,” which means that if one person got an A, it was usually because someone else got a C. Our society is literally saturated with win-lose—forced ranking systems, normal distribution schools, competitive athletics, job openings, political contests, beauty contests, television games, and lawsuits.
And all of this also gets scripted into our family life. So when we have preschool children struggling for autonomy, or teenagers struggling for identity, or siblings competing for attention, or parents trying to maintain order and discipline, or marriage partners arguing for their own way, we naturally fall into win-lose patterns of behavior.
The Consequence of Win-Lose
I remember one day when I returned home to my little girl’s third-year birthday party and found her in the corner of the front room, defiantly clutching all of her presents, unwilling to let the other children play with them. The first thing I noticed was several parents in the room witnessing this selfish display. I was embarrassed, and doubly so because at the time I was teaching university classes in human relations. And I knew, or at least felt, the expectation of these parents.