And so we all agreed: “We are not going to leave this place until we all feel good about what each person has.” We tapped into everyone’s love for both of these people and into a sense of responsibility to maintain a spirit of love and kindness and consideration toward other family members. We tapped into people’s highest qualities. And the results were amazing.
Each of us took a turn expressing what we had put on our list and why it was important to us. As we shared memories around these things, we found ourselves reminiscing about our experiences with Mom and John. We found ourselves laughing and joking and really enjoying sharing and being together.
When we’d all had our turns, we realized that there was really very little overlap. And when two people expressed a desire for the same thing, one would say, “Gosh, that was on my list, but I can totally see why that would mean so much to you. I’d really like for you to have it.”
And toward the end we felt much love for one another and love and gratitude for Mom and John and their lives. It was like an experience dedicated to their honor.
Notice how this man was able to become a transition person in his family. Notice how he made the proactive choice that the welfare of this entire family was his highest priority. This man was truly thinking win-win.
Most of the people in this situation had what we could call a scarcity mentality: “There’s only one pie, so if you get a bigger piece, then I get less.” So everything has to be win-lose.
But this man was able to develop an abundance mentality, the idea that there’s plenty for everyone and that there is an infinite number of third-alternative solutions, better ways to work things out that make a win for everyone.
This abundance mentality is the spirit of “family.” It’s the spirit of “we.” And this is what marriage and family are all about.
There are some who would say, “The hardest thing about getting married or having children is that it changes your entire lifestyle. You can no longer just focus on your own schedule, your own priorities. You have to sacrifice. You have to think about others, about meeting their needs, about what makes them happy.”
And this is true. A good marriage and a good family require service and sacrifice. But when you truly love another and share a transcendent sense of purpose in creating the “we”—such as raising a child—then sacrifice is nothing more than giving up something small for something big. True fulfillment comes from sacrifice. It is this very shift from “me” to “we” that makes family, family!
As J. S. Kirtley and Edward Bok said:
He who carries a wrong heart into the married life and cherishes it in selfishness or finds there a selfish heart that persists in remaining wrong, will make or find married life irritating, galling, unbearable. . . . One who expects to be ministered to in the married state is acting on a principle that will pervert the whole life. He who marries for the purpose of receiving, rather than bestowing, makes a false start. . . . “Married life can never be what it ought to be while the husband or wife makes personal happiness the main object.”1
The spirit of wanting the best for everyone and being willing to love and sacrifice to make that happen is the true spirit of win-win.
The reality is that—not in spite of but because of their challenges—marriage and family life are the character-building crucible out of which true joy and fulfillment come. As Michael Novak has observed:
Marriage is an assault upon the lonely, atomic ego. Marriage is a threat to the solitary individual. Marriage does impose grueling, humbling, baffling, and frustrating responsibilities. Yet if one supposes that precisely such things are the preconditions for all true liberation, marriage is not the enemy of moral development in adults. Quite the opposite. . . .
Being married and having children has impressed on my mind certain lessons, for whose learning I cannot help being grateful. Most are lessons of difficulty and duress. Most of what I am forced to learn about myself is not pleasant. . . . My dignity as a human being depends perhaps more on what sort of husband and parent I am, than on any professional work I am called upon to do. My bonds to [my family] hold me back (and my wife even more) from many sorts of opportunities. And yet these do not feel like bonds. They are, I know, my liberation. They force me to be a different sort of human being, in a way in which I want and need to be forced.2
It is totally and sadly amazing to see beautiful marriage ceremonies take place with all the excitement, social support, beauty, and romance and then see those marriages turn sour and end up in bitterness, in vindictiveness, in the polarization of even families and friends who were once so warm to one another, so knitted together.
When you think about it, the two people haven’t changed that much. What has changed is the movement from independence to interdependence—which ultimately changes all circumstances. With the coming forth of children and responsibilities, the rigors and demands of emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual interdependence far exceed any understanding or vision the original “honeymooners” had. If there is continual growth on both their parts—and growth together—the increasing responsibilities and obligations will unite and bond them in profound ways. If not, it will eventually tear them apart.
It’s also interesting to see how there are always two sides to every breakup and how both sides are usually convinced they are right and the other is wrong. And again, both sides generally represent individuals who are basically good, and haven’t really changed that much. But independent mind-sets simply will not work in an interdependent relationship and environment. Marriage and family life is truly the “graduate school” of mortality.
One man who married at the age of thirty said this:
When I first got married, I thought I was the most giving, kind, generous, outgoing, unselfish person. But I came to realize I am one of the most selfish, egotistical, self-absorbed people around. And I’m brought up against it constantly because the challenge is always there: doing what I know I should do versus doing what I want to do short term.
I get home from work. It’s been a long day and I’m tired, and what I want to do is crawl into my own little cave. I want to escape. I don’t want to worry about a relationship or anyone or anything else. I just want to immerse myself in a hobby or a project or anything where I don’t have to think.
And yet I know I ought to focus on that relationship and spend some quality time with my wife. I need to realize that she has needs and wants, and I need to listen to her.
For thirty years my life was about me. It wasn’t about anyone else. And now that I’m married, I realize my life can’t be about me anymore. It’s about us. If I’m serious about making my marriage work, then I’ve got to make that commitment. “My life is not about me; it’s about us.” Sure there’s personal development and I still need personal time. But there’s also that relationship, and if it’s important to me, I must put the time and effort into it—even when I don’t feel like it, even when I’m tired or cranky or ornery.
In her book Lucky in Love: The Secrets of Happy Couples and How Their Marriages Thrive, Catherine Johnson shares her research regarding factors that make marriages happy and long-lasting. Among those factors, she highlights two beautiful ideas:
1. Both partners stop being single at heart and become married at heart. Their two souls become one, and each sees the other as his or her best friend.
2. They care more about the health of the relationship than they do about winning arguments. They are self-aware and can hear and evaluate themselves from their partner’s perspective.3
The kind of sacrifice and service required to achieve a beautiful family culture creates the ultimate “win” in terms of character and fulfillment for those who love as well as for those who are loved. And that is the true spirit of win-win. In fact, it’s really win-win-win-a win for the individual, a win for the marriage and family, and a huge win for the society that’s benefited by fulfilled individuals and strong families.
How to Cultivate the Spirit of Win-Win
To think win-win means that you try to have this spirit of win-win in all family interactions. You always want what’s best for everyone involved.
As a parent, you know that there will be times when your children want to do things that aren’t going to create a win for them. Most young, inexperienced people tend to act on their wants, not their needs. Those who care for them are usually more mature, more experienced, and wiser, and are willing to focus on needs rather than wants. Therefore, they often make decisions that are unpopular and that appear to be win-lose.