Isn’t it interesting: When you understand, you don’t judge. We even say to each other, “Oh, if you only understood, you wouldn’t judge.” You can see why the wise, ancient king Solomon prayed for an understanding heart, why he wrote, “In all thy getting, get understanding.” Wisdom comes from such understanding. Without it, people act unwisely. Yet from their own frame of reference, what they are doing makes perfect sense.
The reason we judge is that it protects us. We don’t have to deal with the person; we can just deal with the label. In addition, when you expect nothing, you’re never disappointed.
But the problem with judging or labeling is that you begin to interpret all data in a way that confirms your judgment. This is what is meant by “prejudice” or “prejudgment.” If you have judged a child as being ungrateful, for example, then you will subconsciously look for evidence in his behavior to support that judgment. Another person looking at the exact same behavior may see it as evidence of gratitude and appreciation. And the problem is compounded when you act on the basis of what you consider reconfirmed judgment—and it produces more of the same behavior. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you label your child as lazy, for example, and you act based on that label, your child will probably see you as bossy, domineering, and critical. Your behavior itself will invoke a resisting response in your child that you interpret as further evidence of his laziness—which gives you justification for being even more bossy, domineering, and critical. It creates a downward spiral, a form of codependency and collusion that feeds on itself until both parties are convinced they are right and actually need the bad behavior of the other to confirm their rightness.
This is the reason that the tendency to judge is such a major obstacle to healthy relationships. It causes you to interpret all data to support your judgment. And whatever misunderstanding existed before is compounded tenfold by the emotional energy surrounding this collusion.
Two major problems in communication are perception, or how people interpret the same data, and semantics, or how people define the same word. Through empathic understanding, both of these problems can be overcome.
Seeking to Understand: The Fundamental Deposit
Consider the following account of a father’s journey in seeking to understand his daughter and how it profoundly influenced them both:
Around the time our daughter Karen turned sixteen, she began to treat us very disrespectfully. She would make a lot of sarcastic comments, a lot of put-downs. And this began carrying over to her younger brothers and sisters.
I didn’t do much about it until it finally came to a head one night. My wife and I and our daughter were in our bedroom, and Karen let fly some very inappropriate comments. I decided that I had had enough, so I said, “Karen, listen. Let me tell you how life works in this household.” And I went through this long, authoritative argument that I was sure would convince her that she should treat her parents with respect. I mentioned all the things we had done for her recent birthday. I talked about the dress we had bought her. I reminded her how we had helped her get her driver’s license and how we were now letting her drive the car. I went on and on, and the list was quite impressive. By the time I finished, I was expecting Karen to almost drop on her knees and worship her parents. Instead, somewhat belligerently she said, “So?”
I was furious. I said angrily, “Karen, you go to your room. Your mother and I are going to talk about consequences, and we’ll let you know what’s going to happen.” She went storming off and slammed her bedroom door. I was so angry, I was literally pacing back and forth, seething with anger. And then suddenly it hit me. I had done nothing to try to understand Karen. I certainly wasn’t thinking win-win. I was totally on my own agenda. This realization caused a profound shift in my thinking and in the way I felt toward Karen.
When I went to her room a few minutes later, the first thing I did was apologize for my behavior. I didn’t excuse any of her behavior, but I apologized for my own. I had been pretty abrupt. I said, “Look, I can tell that something’s going on here, and I don’t know what it is.” I let her know that I really wanted to understand her, and I was finally able to create an atmosphere where she was willing to talk.
Somewhat hesitantly she began to share her feelings about being brand-new in high school: the struggle she was having trying to make good grades and make new friends. She said she was concerned about driving the car. It was such a new experience for her, and she worried whether she was going to be safe. She had just started a new part-time job and was wondering how her boss felt she was doing. She was taking piano lessons. She was teaching piano students. Her schedule was extremely busy.
Finally, I said, “Karen, you’re feeling totally overwhelmed.” And that was it. Bingo! She felt understood. She had been feeling overwhelmed by all these challenges, and her sarcastic comments and disrespect to her family were basically a cry for attention. She was saying, “Please, somebody, just listen to me!”
So I said to her, “Then when I asked you to treat us with a little more respect, that just sounded like one more thing for you to do.”
“That’s right!” she said. “Another thing for me to do—and I can’t handle what’s on my plate now.”
I got my wife involved, and the three of us sat down and brainstormed ways in which Karen might simplify her life. Ultimately, she decided to stop taking piano lessons and stop teaching her piano students—and she felt wonderful about it. In the weeks that followed, she was like a totally changed person.
From that experience she gained more confidence in her ability to make choices in her life. She knew her parents understood her and would support her. And soon after that, she decided to leave her job because it wasn’t as good a job as she wanted. She found a very good job elsewhere and reached manager status.
In looking back, I think much of that confidence came because we didn’t say, “Okay, there’s no excuse for behaving like that. You’re grounded!” Instead, we were willing to take the time to sit down and understand.
Notice how Karen’s father was able to rise above his concern about Karen’s outward behavior and seek to understand what was going on in her mind and heart. Only after doing this was he able to get at the real issue involved.
The argument between Karen and her parents was superficial. Karen’s behavior camouflaged the real concern. And as long as her parents focused only on her behavior, they never got to that concern. But then her father stepped out of the role of judge and became a genuinely concerned and affirming listener and friend. When Karen felt that her father really wanted to understand her, she began to feel safe in opening up and sharing on a deeper level. She herself may not even have realized what her own real concern was until she had someone who was willing to listen and give her the chance to get it out. Once the problem was clear and she really felt understood, Karen then wanted the guidance and direction her parents were able to give.
As long as we’re in the role of judge and jury, we rarely have the kind of influence we want. Perhaps you remember the story from the first chapter of this book of the man who “found his son again.” Do you remember how “overdrawn” that relationship was, how strained it was, how totally void of any authentic communication? (You may want to review that story because it’s a wonderful example of the power of Habit 5.) That was another situation in which there were difficult, painful problems between parent and child, but there was no real communication. Only when the father stopped judging and really tried to understand his son was he able to begin to make a difference.
In both these cases, parents were able to turn the situation around because they made the most significant deposit you can ever make into anyone’s Emotional Bank Account: They sought to understand.
Giving “Psychological Air”
One of the primary reasons seeking to understand is the first and most important deposit you can make is that it gives other people “psychological air.”
Try to remember a time when you had the wind knocked out of you and were gasping for air. At that moment, did anything else matter? Was anything as important as getting air?
That experience demonstrates why seeking to understand is so important. Being understood is the emotional and psychological equivalent of getting air, and when people are gasping for air—or for understanding—until they get it, nothing else matters. Nothing.