Three to four nights a week our kids tuck us in. We go to our room an hour before the kids go to bed. That’s when we unwind. We talk together. Sometimes we listen to music or watch TV. We share our experiences at work. We talk through issues in the family. We help balance each other out.
This together time makes a huge difference in our family life. When we get home from work, we no longer let our needs supersede the children’s needs. We just kind of let ourselves go, because we know that when 10:30 comes, we’ll have our time together. So we just focus on the family and the kids and getting the house picked up and the laundry done and the dog fed, because we know that at the end of the day, we’re going to have some quality time together.
And the kids understand and do not interfere with that time. Unless it’s something really important, they never knock. They don’t call. They don’t try to get in. And they never complain because they know what this time means to us as a couple. And they know that if we’re a strong couple, we’re going to have a stronger family.
For us, this works better than going out on a date where there are things that interfere with your private time—a waiter, people you run into, and so on. This is more than a date, it’s a commitment to a true reuniting on a daily basis—a reaffirming of why we are together, why we fell in love, why we chose each other.
I think to remind yourself of that daily is probably the greatest gift any couple can give each other. You get into a routine. You get so busy and focused on other things that as time goes by you don’t even realize what you’re missing. But time together like this reunites you and reminds you of what you are missing.
And you don’t let it die. You just don’t.
In my own family I’ve noticed that my one-on-one time with Sandra strengthens the entire family tremendously. As someone said, “The greatest thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.” The strength of this bonding in the marriage creates a sense of security in the entire family. This is because the most significant relationship in the family by far is that of husband and wife. The quality of that relationship truly governs the quality of family life. And even when there have been problems and a breaking of that relationship, it is very important that the parents are civil toward each other and that one never attacks the other in front of the children or even behind the children’s backs. The “vibes” get out, and children will take it personally. They will identify—particularly if they are young and impressionable.
I remember one time revealing my dislike for a particular person, and my six-year-old son Joshua immediately said to me, “Dad, do you like me?” In other words, he was saying, “If you are capable of that attitude or sentiment toward that person, you are also capable of it toward me. And I want the reassurance that you don’t feel that way.”
Children get much of their sense of security from the way their mother and father treat each other. So building the marriage relationship will have a powerful effect on the entire family culture.
One-on-Ones with Children
It’s also vital to spend one-on-one time with each child for which the child usually writes the agenda. This means time between one parent and one child. Remember, as soon as a third person is introduced, the dynamic changes. And it may be appropriate at times to have that dynamic change. Both mother and father may spend time with one child, or two children may spend time with one parent. Generally, however, the basic relationship-building time is one-on-one. Doing this well and often strikes at the root of sibling rivalry.
One-on-ones with children include private visits, private dates, private teaching moments, and private times together in which the full emotional and social dynamic is deepened and there develops a sense of unconditional love, of positive regard and respect that does not change, is never altered. These special bonding times build the assurance that when troubles and problems come along, the relationship can be depended on, relied on. They help to create a changeless core that—along with changeless principles—enables people to live with constant external change.
Catherine (daughter):
I remember when I was ten years old and loved Star Wars. It was everything to me. So when my turn came for a one-on-one date with my dad, I wanted to see Star Wars, even though I’d already seen it four times.
The thought crossed my mind that this might be a problem because my dad might prefer getting his teeth pulled than having to watch science fiction. But when he asked me what I wanted to do with him that night, it was my agenda he had in mind—not his. “We’ll do anything you want to do, Catherine,” he said. “It’s your night.”
To a ten-year-old, this sounded like a dream come true: a night alone with my father and seeing my favorite movie, too. So I told him about the plan. I could sense a slight hesitation before he said with a smile, “Star Wars! Sounds great! You can explain it to me.” And away we went.
As we settled down in our theater seats, popcorn and candy in hand, I remember feeling so important to my father. When the music began and the lights dimmed, I began my soft explanation. I told him about “the force” and how it was good. I told him about the empire and how it was evil. I told him that this was the saga of the never-ending battle between these amazing powers. Throughout the movie I explained the planets, the creatures, the droids, the spaceships—anything that seemed foreign or strange to my dad. He sat in silence, nodding his head and listening.
After the show, we went for ice cream, and I continued my explanation of the movie with all the emotion of my heart, all the while answering the many questions my dad threw at me.
At the end of the evening he thanked me for going on a private date with him and for opening up his mind to the world of science fiction. As I was falling asleep that night in my bed, I openly thanked God for giving me a father who cared, who listened, and who made me feel important to him. I never knew whether or not he liked Star Wars the way I did, but I did know that he loved me. And that’s all that mattered.
Nothing communicates the value you place on a child or your relationship with that child more than giving your time to the child.
One woman told us her greatest childhood memory was her father taking her out to a McDonald’s breakfast every other week for almost ten years. He would then drop her off at school before going to work.
A mother of five sons shared her insights about the deep bonding that resulted from consistent one-on-ones with a son:
The other day I took my twenty-two-year-old son Brandon out to lunch. As we ate together, we started talking about a number of things in his life, including his classes at school, his and his wife’s plans for the future, and so on. Through the process he jokingly said, “Mom, I really don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!”
I said, “Well, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, either! Life changes as you go along, but sometimes you just have to focus on one thing and remain open to the possibility of change.”
We had a great discussion brainstorming possibilities for his future and ended up with ideas he had never considered before: getting a degree in international business and a minor in Portuguese and doing business in Brazil.
We had a wonderful time just being together and sharing, and as I thought about it later, I realized that this was something that didn’t just happen. As a result of writing my personal mission statement years ago, I decided to set a goal of having special one-on-one time with each of my sons during the month. I started this tradition when they were in elementary school, and I certainly wasn’t perfect in doing it. But it has really made a difference in our relationships. I don’t think there is any way I could have had this kind of one-on-one time with my son when he was twenty-two if we hadn’t started doing it when he was younger. This is something we’ve developed together and feel comfortable with as we go through life with each other.
I have come to realize that as kids get older, parents need to make the transition from being “the parent” to being a best friend. My one-on-ones with my children through the years have made that transition much, much easier because we have a friendship already.