When I told my daughters what I had planned, they were less than enthusiastic.
“Oh, great! Spring break with my nose in a book. What will I tell my friends?”
“Is this another Daddy self-help kick that won’t last?”
I remained undaunted. I said, “I promise to make it fun, and this is the birthday gift I really want. So are you both in?”
Two big sighs.
“Guess so,” one replied. (Translation: “It won’t last. We’ll do the beach a lot. My tan will be a killer.”)
“Guess so,” the other one replied. (Translation: “Funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Oh, well, it’s his present, so I’ll humor him.”)
“Great!” I replied. “I really appreciate my present.” (Translation: “Oh, boy! What have I gotten myself into?”)
As we boarded the plane, I handed them copies of 7 Habits and highlighters, and I settled back in my seat. It took a while, but eventually—in accordance with our agreement—copies of Glamour, Seventeen, and Sassy were put away, and they began to read. Questions began to surface.
“Uh . . . Daddy, what’s a ‘para-dig-em?’”
“That’s pronounced ‘para-dime,’ and it means the way you see things—your perspective, your point of view.”
“Daddy, I’ve read a couple of chapters, and it’s really interesting. However, I wish to be ‘proactive’ and say that we don’t need to discuss this twenty-four hours of each day.”
I finally drifted off to sleep thinking there was something about all this I liked.
When we arrived on the island, we got settled and moved into a routine. We spent a certain time reading each day and a certain time playing at the beach. During meals we involved the girls in discussion about what they had read. Within three days everyone really began to sense the power of these ideas. They began to talk about them, even throughout the day.
On our final night there, we drafted our family mission statement. I gathered the important tools: pen, paper, and popcorn. “Family, time to express our mission,” I began optimistically. “This mission statement must contain what each of us expects from this family. Anyone want to begin?”
They didn’t hesitate. Convinced I really wanted their expectations, they openly offered suggestions. I was reminded of what usually happens when I ask what they want for Christmas. This was their creation, not merely something we dictated. No suggestion was dismissed lightly. This was important business, and we treated the process with respect.
We enjoyed talking together about what we really wanted our family to be. We worked hard to create a mission statement that truly expressed everyone’s deepest values and desires. After we completed the task, I asked, “Does everyone feel this statement has in it what we want and expect?”
One daughter replied, “It’s a very good family mission statement.”
My other daughter said, “That was fun. Everyone’s ideas are equal.”
My wife said, “We nailed it!”
On the way home the girls commented on how the experience had caused them to think more deeply. One of them said, “Dad, your birthday present was a gift to us!”
Sometime later this man told me, “I do not have the words to describe the impact this has had on all of us as individuals and on our family.” When I asked him to give me an illustration, he said:
Shortly after we returned home, my wife and I needed to be away for a few days. I asked the children if they would like someone to stay with them during our absence. I will never forget their response: “Put our family mission statement on the refrigerator. We’ll have principles to guide us while you’re gone.”
He said that that was just one of a multitude of ways in which their mission statement had positively influenced their lives.
If your family includes children living at home, you may want to call a “family meeting” to introduce the idea and start the mission statement process. If so, be sure to make it fun and enjoyable. With young children, you may want to use colored markers and posters, and serve a treat. Remember that young children have a short attention span. Spending ten fun minutes together each week over a period of several weeks will be much more effective than trying to hold long, philosophical discussions.
Older children may prefer more involved discussions. But again, make it fun. Perhaps spread it out over several weeks. You may want to have notebooks and pencils on hand, or to just talk and have one person write down ideas. Whatever the situation, make sure everyone feels comfortable and free to participate.
If you feel there may be resistance from older children, you might prefer to begin by talking informally at a family dinner about what is important and not even mention the mission statement kinds of words. Or you might decide to discuss the idea privately, one on one, with family members—maybe when you’re working on a project or doing something together. You might want to ask family members privately how they feel about the family and what they’d like to see happen in it. In this way you can engage their minds in thinking about the family and get the idea into both their conscious and unconscious minds. Be patient. It may take weeks of one-on-one discussions and building up to it before you feel you can all talk about it together.
When you do feel the time is right, get everyone together to talk it over. Make sure it’s at a time when you feel good and you sense that your family does also. Don’t try to do it when you feel emotionally wiped out, exhausted, or angry, or you’re in the middle of some family crisis. Again, you could even do this at a family dinner or on a family vacation. Take time. Make it fun. And if you sense too much resistance, back off. You can talk about it another day. Be patient. Have faith in the people and in the process. Give it time.
When you do reach a point where you can discuss these family issues, be explicit about the idea that you want to come up with a mission statement to serve as a unifying and motivating influence for everyone in the family. Ask questions that will help family members engage all their unique human gifts, such as:
What is the purpose of our family?
What kind of family do we want to be?
What kinds of things do we want to do?
What kind of feeling do we want to have in our home?
What kind of relationships do we want to have with one another?
How do we want to treat one another and speak to one another?
What things are truly important to us as a family?
What are our family’s highest priority goals?
What are the unique talents, gifts, and abilities of family members?
What are our responsibilities as family members?
What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow?
Who are our heroes? What is it about them that we like and would like to emulate?
What families inspire us and why do we admire them?
How can we contribute to society as a family and become more service-oriented?
As you discuss these questions, you will probably hear a variety of responses. Remember that everybody in the family is important. Everybody’s ideas are important. You may have to deal with all kinds of positive and negative expressions. Don’t judge them. Respect them. Let them be expressed freely. Don’t try to resolve everything. All you’re doing at this point is preparing minds and hearts to think reflectively. In a sense you’re preparing the ground and beginning to sow a few seeds. Don’t try to get the harvest yet.
You’ll find that these discussions probably go better if you set up three ground rules:
First, listen with respect. Make sure everyone has a chance to give input. Remember that involvement in the process is as important as the product. Unless people feel that they have had some say in the formation of the vision and values that will govern them, guide them, lead them, and measure their progress, they will not be committed. In other words, “no involvement, no commitment.” So be sure that everyone knows his or her ideas will be heard and recognized as important. Help children understand what it means to show respect while others are speaking. Assure them that others, in turn, will show respect for their ideas.
Second, restate accurately to show you understand. One of the best ways to show respect is to restate others’ points to their satisfaction. Then encourage other family members to also restate the ideas that are expressed—particularly when there are disagreements—to the satisfaction of the other. As family members do this for each other, mutual understanding will soften hearts and release creative energies.
Third, consider writing down the ideas. Perhaps you’d like to invite someone to be the family scribe. Ask that person to write down all the ideas that are expressed. Don’t evaluate the ideas. Don’t judge them. Don’t compare their relative worth. Those are tasks for further down the road. Just capture them so that everyone’s ideas are “out on the table” and visible to all.