But once it does happen, you will be amazed at the freedom it gives you and your family. During liftoff, astronauts have no freedom, no power; all they can do is carry out the program. But as soon as they pull away from the gravity of the Earth and the atmosphere surrounding the Earth, they experience an unbelievable surge of freedom. And they have many, many options and alternatives.
As the great American philosopher and psychologist William James suggested, when you are attempting to make a change, you need to make the resolve deep, seize the first moment of initiative to act on that resolve, and allow no exceptions. The most important thing is to make the commitment to do it: “Once a week, no matter what, we will have family time together.” If you can, set aside a specific night to do it. Schedule it on your family calendar. You may have to change that night occasionally if something really urgent comes up, but if this happens, immediately reschedule it for another time during the week. You’ll have a much better chance of doing this on a regular basis if you set aside a specific night of the week. Furthermore, you want to communicate to your children the importance of a specific family time when they’re little, before the onslaught of the teenage social agenda.
And no matter what happens in your family meeting, don’t get discouraged. We’ve had family meetings where two of our nine children (teenage sons, of course) were sprawled out on the couch asleep, and some of the others were climbing the walls. We’ve had meetings that basically started out as a big fight and ended up in prayer. We’ve even had meetings where people were being so noisy, so disrespectful that we’ve said, “Okay, we’ve had it! You come and get us when you’re ready to meet!” and walked out. Usually they asked us to stay. When we did leave, we always came back later and apologized.
The point I’m trying to make is this: It’s not always easy. And it’s usually not convenient. Sometimes you even wonder whether your children are getting anything out of it. In fact, you may not be able to see the real results for years.
But it’s like the story of the man in the railroad station in St. Louis who accidentally moved a small piece of railroad track a mere three inches. As a result the train that was supposed to arrive in Newark, New Jersey, ended up in a station in New Orleans, Louisiana, some thirteen hundred miles away. Any change—even a tiny one—in your direction today will make a significant difference hundreds of miles down the road.
Maria (daughter):
I remember times when we’d have our weekly family meetings and Sean and David were lying on the couches sound asleep. Catherine would be saying, “My boyfriend’s trying to call, and we’ve got the phone off the hook!” I’m sure at the time our parents wondered, “Are they getting anything at all out of these meetings?”
Catherine (daughter):
I remember being difficult in those meetings sometimes. But as I grew up and left home, I often thought about specific things I learned then. They made a real difference in my life. And that’s very encouraging to me because now I look at my own children and think, “Are they getting anything from this?” And I realize that even though it sometimes seems as if they’re not, they really are. Foundations are being laid that will make a huge difference down the road. Just the fact that we’re doing it, that we’re trying, is tremendously important.
We’ve held weekly meetings in our family for over thirty years now, and as I look back and as I talk with our grown children about this experience, I am absolutely convinced that it has been one of the most powerful, one of the most significant forces in keeping our family on track.
One-on-One Bonding Times
Perhaps you’ve seen the compelling mountain scene poster with the invitation at the bottom: “Let the mountain have you for a day.” Magnificent nature draws us into itself. We feel more relaxed, more at peace, more tranquil, more at home.
The same thing takes place in a human relationship when you spend time with another person. Perhaps we should change that slogan to: “Let your spouse have you for a day” or “Let your child have you for an afternoon” or “Let your teenager have you for an evening.” In this mode—in a relaxed state of mind—you are, in a sense, letting the other have his or her way with you. Now I’m not talking about compromising principles or becoming soft and permissive and indulging someone else’s lower nature whims. What I am talking about is being “completely present” with another person, about transcending your own personal interests and concerns and fears and needs and ego, about being fully with your husband, wife, son, or daughter, and allowing that person to have his or her interests and goals expressed or worked on, subordinating your agenda to the other’s.
Times such as these have been so meaningful and so pivotal in our family life that I would say, without doubt, that the second most absolutely foundational family structure to create is these one-on-one bonding times. These one-on-ones are where most of the real work of the family is done. This is where there is the deepest nurturing of heart and soul. This is where the most significant sharing, the most profound teaching, the deepest bonding takes place.
As the late Dag Hammarskjöld, past secretary general of the United Nations, has said, “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.” One-on-one bonding times provide the opportunity for you to give yourself to the one.
One-on-Ones in a Marriage
There is no way I can describe the value of private time with Sandra. For many years the two of us have shared some time together each day. When we’re both in town, we go for a ride on our Honda Scooter. We spend time away from children, away from phones, away from office and home and other people and everything else that might divert us or distract us. We ride up into the foothills and just talk. We share what’s going on in our lives. We discuss any issues or concerns. We role-play situations in the family that we need to address and resolve. And when we can’t be together, we talk on the telephone—often several times a day. That rich communication, that bonding, builds our marriage and strengthens it so that we go into the family arena with deep love and respect for each other and with a tremendous sense of unity that helps us pull together instead of apart.
We have some married friends who enjoy one-on-one time together in a different way. Every Friday night they arrange for their children to be cared for while they spend several hours together just focused on building their relationship. They go out to dinner, to a movie, or to a play, or just take a hike in the mountains and photograph wildflowers. And they have done this for nearly thirty years. They also go on a “retreat” together once or twice or year. They often use frequent-flyer miles and go to California, where they walk barefoot on the beach, watch the waves, review their marriage mission statement, and work on their goals for the coming year. And then they go back into their family life renewed and refocused. They feel so strongly about the value of this one-on-one time in their marriage that they sometimes tend their grandchildren so that their married children and their spouses can also have this special renewing time together.
This kind of “retreat” time is vital to a marriage and a family. There is a tremendous need for husbands and wives to sit down together and carefully plan or, in a sense, mentally or spiritually create their own future. Planning isn’t easy. It requires thinking, and many of us are so busy following hectic schedules, being tyrannized by the telephone, and meeting small crises that we go for long periods without any deep, meaningful communication with our husband or wife. Yet planning is of overwhelming significance in any endeavor of life, and certainly it must be in the most important endeavor: successfully raising a family. It must play a vital, central role because it brings enormous benefits. When a couple comes together to work through matters in their shared stewardship—particularly in dealing with children—it opens the floodgates to synergy, insight, and strengthened resolve. The insights are more profound and the solutions more practical and workable—and the entire process is enormously bonding and unifying to the relationship.
In doing the research for this book, I’ve found that many couples find different ways to have regular, meaningful one-on-one time together. A mother with older children shared this: