We still have our moments, but we have found that she is much more cooperative, much more willing to work things out. And I have found that when she does have her struggles, things work out much better if I hang in there with her and don’t let her run away. I don’t say, “You don’t run away.” I say, “Come over here. Let’s work through this and solve it together.”
Notice how this father’s insight and vision of his daughter’s true nature helped him to value her unique difference and to be proactive in working with her. And notice, too, how even young children can learn and practice Habits 4, 5, and 6.
Based on a number of variables, you may find yourself at different levels of proactivity at different times. The circumstances you’re in, the nature of the crisis, the strength of your resolve around a particular purpose or vision, the level of your physical, mental, and emotional fatigue, and the amount of sheer willpower you have all affect the level of proactivity you bring to a potentially synergistic experience. But when you can get all these things in line and you can value the difference, it’s amazing how much resourcefulness and energy and intuitive wisdom you can access.
You also have to live Habit 2. This is the leadership work. This is creating the unity that makes diversity meaningful. You have to have a destination because destination defines feedback. Some say that feedback is the “breakfast of champions.” But it isn’t. Vision is the breakfast. Feedback is the lunch. Self-correction is the dinner. When you have your destination in mind, then you know what feedback means because it lets you know whether you’re headed toward your destination or you’re off track. And even when you have to go to other places because of the weather, you can keep coming back so that eventually you will reach it.
You also need to live Habit 3. One-on-one bonding times give you the Emotional Bank Account to interact authentically and in synergistic ways with the members of your family. And weekly family times provide the forum for synergistic interaction.
You can see how interwoven these habits are, how they come together and reinforce one another to create this beautiful family culture we’ve been talking about.
Involve People in the Problem and Work Out the Solution Together
Another way of expressing Habits 4, 5, and 6 can be found in one simple idea: Involve people in the problem and work out the solution together.
We had an interesting experience with this in our own family some years ago. Sandra and I had read a great deal about the impact of television on the minds of children, and we had begun to feel that in many ways it was like an open sewage pipe right into our home. We had set up rules and guidelines to limit the amount of TV watching, but it seemed that there were always exceptions. The rules kept changing. We were constantly in the position of dispensing privileges and judgments, and we had grown weary of negotiating with the children. It had become a power struggle that occasionally caused feelings to flare in negative ways.
Although we agreed on the problem, we didn’t agree on the solution. I wanted to take an authoritarian approach inspired by an article I’d read about a man who actually threw the family TV set into the garbage! In some ways that kind of dramatic action seemed to demonstrate the message we wanted to send. But Sandra favored a more principle-based approach. She didn’t want the children to resent the decision, to feel it was not a win for them.
As we synergized together, we realized we were trying to decide how we could solve this problem for the children when what we needed to do was help them solve it for themselves. We decided to engage Habits 4, 5, and 6 on a family-wide basis. At our next family night we introduced the subject “TV—how much is enough?” Everyone’s interest was immediately focused because this was an important matter for all involved.
One son said, “What’s so bad about watching TV? There’s a lot of good stuff on. I still get my homework done. I can actually study while the TV is on. My grades are good, and so are everyone else’s. So what’s the problem?”
A daughter added, “If you’re afraid we’re going to be corrupted by TV, you’re wrong. We don’t usually watch bad shows. And if one is bad, we usually turn to another station. Besides, what’s shocking to you is not all that shocking to us.”
Another said, “If we don’t watch certain shows, we’re socially out of it. All the kids watch these shows. We even talk about them every day at school. These shows help us see how things really are in the world so that we don’t get caught up in all the dumb things that are going on.”
We didn’t interrupt the kids. They all had something to say about why they didn’t think we should make any drastic changes in our TV habits. As we listened to their concerns, we could see how deeply they were into their feelings about TV.
Finally, when their energy seemed spent, we said, “Now let us see if we really understand what you’ve just said.” And we proceeded to restate all we had heard and felt them say. Then we asked, “Do you feel that we truly understand your point of view?” They agreed that we did.
“Now we would like you to understand where we’re coming from.”
The response was not very favorable.
“You just want to tell us all the negative things people are saying about watching TV.”
“You want to pull the plug and take away our only escape from all the pressure we feel at school.”
We listened empathically and then assured them that this was not our intent at all. “In fact,” we said, “when we’ve gone over these articles together, we’re going to leave the room and let you kids decide what you feel we should do about watching TV.”
“You’re kidding!” they exclaimed. “What if our decision is different from what you want?”
“We’ll honor your decision,” we said. “All we ask is that you be in total agreement about what you recommend that we do.” We could see by the expressions on their faces that they liked the idea.
So, all together, we went over the information in the two articles we had brought to the meeting. The children sensed this material would be important in their upcoming decision, so they listened very attentively. We began by reading some shocking facts. One article said that the average television diet for a person between the ages of one and eighteen is six hours a day. If there is cable in the home, that increases to eight hours per day. By the time young Americans have graduated from school, they will have spent thirteen thousand hours in school and sixteen thousand hours in front of a television set. During that time they will have witnessed twenty-four thousand killings.1
We told the children that, as parents, those facts were scary to us and that when we watched as much TV as we did, it became by far the most powerful socializing force in our lives—more than education, more than time spent with the family.
We pointed out the discrepancy concerning TV program directors who claim there is no scientific evidence to link TV viewing to behavior and then quote evidence showing the powerful impact a twenty-second commercial has on behavior. Then we said, “Just think about how different you feel when you watch a television show and when you watch a commercial. When a thirty- to sixty-second commercial comes on, you know it’s an advertisement. You don’t believe a lot of what you see and hear. Your defenses are up because it’s advertising, it’s just hype, and we’ve all been burned by it again and again. But when you’re watching a show, your defenses are down. You become emotionally invested, vulnerable. You’re letting images come into your head, and you’re not even thinking about it. You’re just absorbing it. Of course, the commercials impact us in spite of our defensiveness. Can you imagine the impact the regular programs are having on us when we’re in a much more receptive posture?”
We continued these discussions as we read more. One author pointed out what happens when television becomes the baby-sitter for parents who are not cautious about what their children watch. He said that unsupervised TV watching is like inviting a stranger into your home for two or three hours every day to tell the children all about a perverse world where violence solves problems and all anyone needs to be happy is the right beer, a fast car, good looks, and lots of sex. Of course, the parents are not there while all this is happening because they trust this television character to keep the children as quiet, interested, and entertained as possible. This teacher could do a lot of damage during that long daily visit, planting misperceptions no one could ever change and causing problems no one could solve.