We’ve also tried to organize so that all family members know they will get “their day in court” in one-on-ones or in family meetings. Regarding family meetings, we developed a process of problem-solving in which the person who had the concern or the problem would take the responsibility to lead the family through that meeting on the problem itself. We posted a sheet of paper on the refrigerator, and anyone who wanted to talk about any issue, problem, hope, or plan would simply write the issue and his or her name on the paper. This paper helped us develop the content for the family council discussion. And each person who put an item on the agenda was responsible to take us all through the process of solving the problem or doing whatever it involved.
We found that when the culture basically rewards those who speak up first and those who take action first, then other people feel their day in court never comes. Feelings gradually begin to go inside, where they remain bottled up and unexpressed. And those unexpressed feelings never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways—in overreactive comments, in anger, in violent verbal or physical expressions, in psychosomatic illnesses, in giving people the silent treatment, in extreme statements or judgments, or in simply acting out in other dysfunctional and hurtful ways.
But when people know they will have their day in court—that is, they will have an opportunity to be fully heard and to process others’ reactions to what they say—they can relax. They don’t have to become impatient and overreactive because they know that their time to be heard and understood will come. This dissipates negative energy and helps people develop internal patience and self-control.
This is one of the great strengths of Habit 5. And if you can cultivate a family culture where Habit 5 is central to the whole way of dealing with things, then everyone will feel that his or her day in court will come. And this eliminates many of the foolish, impulsive reactions people get into when they feel they will not be heard.
We have to admit, though, that even with all our effort to ensure that everyone in the family is heard, some have had to be really proactive to make it happen.
Jenny (daughter):
Growing up in a family of nine kids sometimes made it difficult for me to get the attention I wanted. There was always so much going on at our home, and everyone was constantly talking or doing something. So in order for me to get attention, I would motion to Dad or Mom to come over, and I would whisper whatever I had to say. I made sure that I whispered soft enough that they would have to give me their full attention and make everyone else be quiet. It worked.
Making sure you are heard—and understood—is what the second half of Habit 5 is all about.
Understanding Developmental Stages
Another way you can practice Habit 5 in the home is to seek to understand the way your children see the world by becoming aware of their “ages and stages.”
Growth is based on universal principles. A child learns to turn over, to sit, to crawl, then to walk and run. Each step is important. No step can be skipped. Of necessity, some things must come ahead of other things.
As surely as this is true in the area of physical things, it is also true in the areas of emotions and human relations. But while things in the physical area are seen and constant evidence is supplied, things in the other areas are largely unseen and evidence is not as direct or as plain. It is tremendously important, therefore, that we understand not only the physical but also the mental, emotional, and spiritual stages of development, and that we never attempt to shortcut, violate, or bypass the process.
If we do not make a sincere effort to understand our children’s development and to communicate with them on their level of awareness, we often find ourselves making unreasonable expectations of them and being frustrated when we can’t seem to get through.
I remember one afternoon I found myself criticizing our young son for throwing all his clothes in a heap on the floor of his room. I said, “Don’t you realize you shouldn’t do this? Don’t you understand what will happen, how your clothes will get dirty and wrinkled like this?”
This son didn’t resist me. He didn’t rebel. He agreed. I even sensed he wanted to do as I asked. But still, day in and day out, he threw his clothes on the floor.
Finally, one day I thought, Maybe he simply doesn’t know how to hang up his clothes. He’s just a little kid. So I took half an hour to train him in hanging up his clothes. We practiced how to take his Sunday suit pants by the cuffs, hang them over the bottom wire of the hanger, and then put the hanger on the lower bar of the closet. We practiced how to button up the front of his shirt, turn it over, fold one third of each side toward the center, fold the sleeves in, and lay the shirt in his drawer.
He really enjoyed the training. In fact, when we were through, we even took all his clothes out of his closet and hung them back up again, we were having so much fun. There was a good feeling between us, and he learned. He was able to do the job well.
As I discovered with this son, the problem was not that he didn’t recognize the importance of hanging up his clothes. It wasn’t even that he didn’t want to hang up his clothes. It was simply that he didn’t have the competency; he didn’t know how to do it.
Years later, as a teenager, this son had the same problem again. But the nature of the problem at that point wasn’t competence, it was motivation. And it took a motivational solution to solve it.
The first key in solving any training problem is to diagnose it correctly. You wouldn’t bring in a cardiologist if you had a foot problem. You wouldn’t bring in a plumber if the roof leaked. Neither can you solve a competency problem with a value or motivational solution—or vice versa.
When we want a child to perform a task in our family, I’ve found it helpful to always ask three questions:
Should the child do it? (a value question)
Can the child do it? (a competency question)
Does the child want to do it? (a motivation question)
Based on the response, we know where to direct our effort effectively. If it’s a value question, the solution usually lies in building the Emotional Bank Account and educating. If it’s a competency question, the answer generally lies in training. There’s a difference between education and training. Education means “to draw forth”—in this case, to provide a deep and proper explanation that tends to draw forth the sense of “this is what I should do.” Training means “to put in”—in this case, to put into the child the knowledge of how to do the task. Both educating and training are important, and which you would use depends on the nature of the problem. If the value question is one of competing “shoulds”—“Should I do my chores or party with my friends?”—then the key is in the quality of the relationship and the character and culture of the family.
If it’s a question of motivation, the answer generally lies in reinforcing the desired behavior either extrinsically or intrinsically, or in combination. You could provide extrinsic rewards (such as an allowance or recognition or some privilege or “perk”) or you could stress the intrinsic rewards (the inner peace and satisfaction that comes when people do things because they’re the right thing to do, when they listen to and obey their conscience). Or you could do both. To determine the nature of the problem is a Habit 5 (Seek first to understand, then to be understood) issue.
Over the years Sandra has brought unbelievable enlightenment and intuitive wisdom to our family in the area of understanding the developmental stages of our children. She graduated from college with a degree in child development and has both studied and practiced it all her adult life. As a result, she has gained tremendous insights into the importance of listening to your heart and to the natural developmental stages children go through.4
Sandra:
I was in a grocery store the other day and saw a young mother struggling with her two-year-old. She quietly tried to comfort, console, and reason with him, but he was completely out of control—shaking, screaming, sobbing, and holding his breath until he broke into a temper tantrum, to the distress of his embarrassed, desperate mother.
As a mother, my heart reached out to her as she tried to come to grips with the situation. I wanted to tell her all the rational thoughts that raced through my mind in rapid succession: Don’t take it personally. Act in a matter-of-fact way. Don’t reward this kind of behavior. Don’t let this child get any mileage out of this episode. Remind yourself that two-year-olds aren’t yet emotionally able to handle complex emotions (exhaustion, temper, stress), and so they blow a fuse and break the circuit with a tantrum.