Over the years Sandra and I have come to recognize that one of the very best things about our marriage is our differences. We share an overarching commitment and value system and destination, but within that, we have great diversity. And we love it! Most of the time, that is. We count on each other’s different perspectives to increase our judgment, to help us make better decisions. We count on each other’s strengths to help compensate for our individual weaknesses. We count on each other’s uniqueness to give spice and flavor to our relationship.
We know we’re better together than we are alone. And we know that one of the primary reasons is that we are different.
Cynthia (daughter):
If you wanted advice about something, you’d go to Dad, and he’d give it to you. He’d say, “I’d do this.” And he’d outline everything.
But sometimes you didn’t want advice. You just wanted someone to say, “You’re the best. You’re the greatest. They should have chosen you as cheerleader [or class president or whatever] instead of that other girl.” You just wanted someone to be really supportive and loyal to you, no matter what. And that was Mom. In fact, she was so loyal, I was always afraid she was going to call whoever I was mad at and bawl them out and say, “Why are you being so rude to my daughter? Why don’t you ask her out?” or “Why didn’t you choose her to be the lead in the play?”
She thought we were the greatest. It wasn’t so much that she thought we were better than other kids, but she thought a lot of us. And we could feel that even though we knew she was prejudiced about us and usually exaggerated what we did. But it felt good to know that someone believed in you that much. And that’s what she instilled in us: “You can do anything. You will rise and accomplish your goals if you just stick with it. I believe in you, and you can do it.”
Somehow each of them taught us the best of what they were.
The Process in Action
Synergy is not just teamwork or cooperation. Synergy is creative teamwork, creative cooperation. Something new is created that was not there before and could not have been created without celebrating differences. Through deep empathic listening and courageous expressing and producing new insights, the third alternative is born.
Now you can apply Habits 4, 5, and 6 to create new third-alternative solutions in any family situation. In fact, I’d like to suggest that you try to do just that.
I’m going to share with you a real-life situation and ask you to engage your four human gifts to see how you would resolve it. I’ll interrupt this experience at points along the way and ask questions so that you can use your pause button and think through specifically how you could use your gifts and just what you would do. I suggest you take the time to think deeply about and answer each question before you continue reading.
My husband didn’t earn much money, but we were finally able to buy a small house. We were thrilled to have a home of our own even though the payments were such that we would just barely be able to stay financially solvent.
After living in the home for a month we became convinced that our front room looked shabby because of the threadbare couch that my husband’s mother had given us. We decided that although we couldn’t afford it, we had to have a new couch. We drove to a nearby furniture store and looked at the couches. We saw a beautiful Early American couch that was just what we wanted, but we were astonished at the high price. Even the least expensive couch was twice the price we had thought it would be.
The salesman asked us about our house. We told him, with some degree of pride, how much we loved it. Then he said, “How would that Early American couch look in your front room?”
We told him it would look grand. He suggested that it be delivered the following Wednesday. When we asked him how we could get it without any money, he assured us that would be no problem because they could defer the payments for two months.
My husband said, “Okay. We’ll take it.”
[Pause: Use your self-awareness and your conscience. Assuming you were the woman, what would you do?]
I told the salesman that we needed more time to think. [Notice how this woman used her Habit 1 proactivity to create a pause.]
“My husband replied, “What is there to think about? We need it now, and we can pay for it later.” But I told the salesman that we would look around and then maybe come back. I could tell my husband was upset as I took hold of his hand and began to walk away.
We walked to a little park and sat on a bench. He was still upset and hadn’t said a word since we left the store.
[Pause: Use your self-awareness and your conscience again. How would you handle this situation?]
I decided to let him tell me how he felt and to listen so that I could understand his feeling and thinking. [Notice the Habit 4 win-win thinking and the use of Habit 5.]
Finally, he told me that he felt embarrassed anytime anyone came to our home and saw that old couch. He told me that he worked hard and couldn’t see why we made so little money. He didn’t think it was fair that his brother and others got paid so much more than he did. He said that sometimes he felt he was a failure. A new couch would be a sign that he was okay.
His words sank into my heart. He almost convinced me that we should go back and get the couch. But then I asked him if he would listen while I told him my feelings. [Notice the use of the second half of Habit 5.] He said that he would.
I told him how proud I was of him and that to me he was the world’s greatest success. I told him how I could barely sleep at night sometimes because I was worried that we didn’t have enough money to pay the bills. I told him that if we bought that couch, in two months we’d have to pay for it—and we wouldn’t be able to do it.
He said that he knew that what I was saying was true, but he still felt bad that he could not live as well as all those around him.
[Pause: Use your creative imagination. Can you think of a third alternative solution?]
Somehow we got to talking about how we could make our front room more attractive without spending a lot of money. [Notice the beginning of Habit 6 synergy.] I mentioned that the local thrift store might have a couch that we could afford. He laughed and said, “They could have an Early American couch there that’s far more Early American than the one we’ve just seen.” I reached out and took his hand, and we sat there for a long moment just looking into each other’s eyes.
Finally, we decided to go over to the thrift store. We found a couch there that was mostly wood. The cushions were all detachable. They were terribly worn, but I didn’t think it would be too much trouble to re-cover them in some fabric that would match the colors of the room. We bought the couch for thirteen dollars and fifty cents and headed home. [Notice the use of conscience and independent will.]
The next week I enrolled in a furniture upholstery class. My husband refinished the wooden parts. Three weeks later we had a lovely Early American couch.
As time went by, we’d sit on those golden cushions and hold hands and smile. That couch was the symbol of our financial recovery. [Finally, notice the results.]
What kind of solutions did you come up with as you went through this experience? As you connected with your own gifts, you may even have come up with answers that would work for you better than the one this couple discovered.
Whatever solution you came up with, think about the difference it would make in your life. Think about the difference this couple’s synergy made in their lives. Can you see how they used their four gifts, how they created the pause that enabled them to act instead of react? Can you see how they engaged in the Habits 4, 5, and 6 process to come to a synergistic third-alternative solution? Can you see the value that was added to their lives as they developed their talents and created something beautiful together? Can you imagine the difference it will make each time they look at their couch and see something they bought with cash and worked together to beautify rather than something they bought on credit and are paying interest on every month?