I realize now that had I not had the grounding of principles and a clear understanding of what “first things” meant in my life, I might not have made that decision. But although this was one of the most difficult times in my life, it was also one of the most rewarding. I feel I can look back and know that we did what was the right thing to do in our circumstances. We did everything we possibly could to make him comfortable. We gave him the best it is humanly possibly to give—our selves. And we feel good about that.
The intimacy we were able to develop with my father in those last months was profound. Not only did my wife and I learn from this experience, but my mother did also. She knows she can look forward to the future and trust how we would handle the situation should she get into a similar position. And our children learned invaluable lessons in service as they watched what my wife and I did, and helped in the ways they could.
For those few months the significant contribution of this family was to help a father and grandfather die with dignity, surrounded by love. What a powerful message this sent to his wife and to everyone else in the family! And how enabling this experience will be for these children as they grow up with a sense of genuine service and love.
Often, even those who suffer in these difficult situations can leave a legacy of inspiration for their families. My own life has been profoundly affected by my sister Marilyn’s example of contribution and significance as she lay dying of cancer. Two nights before she passed away, she told me, “My only desire during this time has been to teach my children and grandchildren how to die with dignity and to give them the desire to contribute—to live life nobly based on principles.” Her whole focus during the weeks and months prior to this time had been on teaching her children and grandchildren, and I know they will be inspired and ennobled by her example—as I have been—for the rest of their lives.
There are many ways to become involved in significance—within the family, with other families, and in society as a whole. We have friends and relatives whose intergenerational and extended families have rallied around them in their struggles with a Down’s syndrome child, a severe drug problem, an overwhelming financial problem, or a failing marriage. The entire family culture went to work and came to the aid of those so involved, enabling them to reclaim their heritage and erase many psychic scars of the past.
Families can also become involved in local schools or communities to increase drug awareness, reduce crime, or assist children in families that are at risk. They can become involved in fund-raising, mentoring programs, tutoring programs, or other church or community service. Or they can become involved in significance on a higher level of interdependence—not just within the family but between families on common projects. This might include families working together in a “Neighborhood Watch” program or joining forces with other community or church-sponsored service projects or events.
There are even some communities in the world where the entire population is involved in a massive interdependent and significant effort. One is Mauritius—a tiny, developing island nation in the Indian Ocean, two thousand miles off the east coast of Africa. The norm for the 1.3 million people who live there is to work together to survive economically, take care of the children, and nurture a culture of both independence and interdependence. They train people in marketable skills so that there is no unemployment or homelessness and very little poverty or crime. The interesting thing is that these people come from five distinct and very different cultures. Their differences are profound, yet they value these differences so highly that they even celebrate each other’s religious holidays! Their deeply integrated interdependence reflects their values of order, harmony, cooperation, and synergy, and their concern for all people—particularly children.
Contributing together as a family not only helps those who benefit from the contribution, but it also strengthens the contributing family in the process. Can you imagine anything more energizing, more unifying, more filled with satisfaction than working with the members of your family to accomplish something that really makes a difference in the world? Can you imagine the bonding, the sense of fulfillment, the sense of shared joy?
Living outside ourselves in love actually helps the family become self-perpetuating. Its very giving increases the family’s sense of purpose and thus its longevity and ability to give. Hans Selye, the father of modern stress research, taught that the best way to stay strong, healthy, and alive is to follow the credo, “Earn thy neighbor’s love.” In other words, stay involved in meaningful, service-oriented projects and pursuits. He explains that the reason women live longer than men is psychological rather than physiological. A woman’s work is never done. Built into her psyche and cultural reinforcement is a continuing responsibility toward the family. Many men, on the other hand, center their lives on their careers and identify themselves in terms of these careers. Their family becomes secondary, and when they retire, they do not have this same sense of continuing service and contribution. As a result, the degenerative forces in the body are accelerated and the immune system is compromised, and so men tend to die earlier. There is much wisdom in the saying by an unknown author, “I sought my God, and my God I could not find. I sought my soul, and my soul eluded me. I sought to serve my brother in his need, and I found all three—my God, my soul, and thee.”
This level of significance is the supreme level of family fulfillment. Nothing energizes, unites, and satisfies the family like working together to make a significant contribution. This is the essence of true family leadership—not only the leadership you can provide to the family, but the leadership your family can provide to other families, to the neighborhood, to the community, to the country. On the level of significance, no longer is the family an end in and of itself. It becomes the means to an end that is greater than itself. It becomes the vehicle through which people can effectively contribute to the wellbeing of others.
From Problem-Solving to Creating
As you move toward your destination as a family, you may find it helpful to look at these four different levels as interim destinations on your path. The achieving of each destination represents a challenge in and of itself, but it may also provide the wherewithal to move to the next destination.
You will also want to be aware that in moving from survival to significance, there’s a dramatic shift in thinking. In the areas of survival and stability, the primary mental energy focus is on problem-solving:
“How can we provide food and shelter?”
“What can we do about Daryl’s behavior or Sara’s grades?”
“How can we get rid of the pain in our relationship?”
“How can we get out of debt?”
But as you move toward success and significance, that focus shifts to creating goals and visions and purposes that ultimately transcend the family itself:
“What kinds of education do we want to provide for our children?”
“What would we like our financial picture to look like five or ten years down the road?”
“How can we strengthen family relationships?”
“What can we do together as a family that will really make a difference?”
That doesn’t mean that families who have moved to success and significance don’t have problems to solve. They do. But the major focus is on creating. Instead of trying to eliminate negative things from the family, they’re focused on trying to create positive things that were not there before—new goals, new options, new alternatives that will optimize situations. Instead of rushing from one problem-solving crisis to another, they’re focused on coming up with synergistic springboards to future contribution and fulfillment.
In short, they’re opportunity minded, not problem minded. When you’re problem minded, you want to eliminate something. When you’re opportunity or vision minded, you want to bring something into existence.
And this is an altogether different mind-set, a different emotional/spiritual orientation. And it leads to a completely different feeling in the culture. It’s like the difference between feeling exhausted from morning until night and feeling rested, energized, and enthused. Instead of feeling frustrated, mired in concerns, and surrounded by dark clouds of despair, you feel optimistic, invigorated, and full of hope. You’re filled with positive energy that leads to a creative, synergistic mode. Focused on your vision, you take problems in stride.
The wonderful thing about moving from survival to significance is that it has very little to do with extrinsic circumstances. One woman said this:
We’ve discovered that economics really has very little to do with achieving significance as a family. Now that we have more, we’re able to do more. But even in the early years of our marriage, we were able to give of our time and talents to help others. And it really united us as a family. When our children were very young, we were able to teach them the value of helping a neighbor, visiting a rest home, or taking a meal to someone who was sick. We found that these kinds of things helped define our family: “We are a family who helps others.” And that made a big difference while our children were growing up. I am convinced that their teenage years were very different because of that contribution focus.