The theories and principles put forth in this book were not invented by Stephen. He noticed them, observed them, put them together in some workable order. These are universal principles that you already know in your heart to be true. That’s why they seem so familiar. You’ve seen them in action. They’ve worked in your own life. You’ve even used them yourself—often.
What is helpful, however, is giving you a framework, a way of thinking about and looking at your own unique situation and finding a way to deal with it. It’s a starting point, a way to examine where you are right now and where you want to go, and ways that might help you get there.
A few years ago Carol, one of my best and dearest friends, developed cancer. After months of radiation, chemotherapy, and operations, she realized what her fate would be. She never asked, “Why me?” There was no bitterness or feeling of despair. Her whole perspective on life changed dramatically. “I don’t have any time for things that don’t matter,” she told me. “I know what’s important and where to put my priorities.” Her courage touched my heart as I watched her strengthen her relationship with her husband, children, and loved ones. Her utmost desire was to serve, contribute, and somehow make a difference. Her death made all of us who loved her want to become better and stronger people—more willing to love, care, and serve. In a sense she wrote her mission statement for life on her deathbed. You can begin writing yours now.
No one will ever really understand your situation, your uniqueness—the rocks or baggage you carry or the idealism you hope for. You can take from this book what you will, what feels right for you. Some story or example might hit home and you’ll be able to stand back, stand apart, and look at your own life and gain insight or perspective.
We want to give hope to those who feel they’ve made a lot of mistakes, blown it, or not prioritized their families and are feeling the repercussions of that decision—or even those who may have lost a child along the way. You can reclaim a lost child. It is never too late. You should never give up or stop trying.
I believe this book will help you become that agent of change, that transition person who will make a difference.
Every good wish in your efforts,
Sandra Merrill Covey
YOU’RE GOING TO BE “OFF TRACK” 90 PERCENT OF THE TIME. SO WHAT?
Good families—even great families—are off track 90 percent of the time! The key is that they have a sense of destination. They know what the “track” looks like. And they keep coming back to it time and time again.
It’s like the flight of an airplane. Before the plane takes off, the pilots have a flight plan. They know exactly where they’re going and start off in accordance with their plan. But during the course of the flight, wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human error, and other factors act upon that plane. They move it slightly in different directions so that most of the time that plane is not even on the prescribed flight path! Throughout the entire trip there are slight deviations from the flight plan. Weather systems or unusually heavy air traffic may even cause major deviations. But barring anything too major, the plane will arrive at its destination.
Now how does that happen? During the flight, the pilots receive constant feedback. They receive information from instruments that read the environment, from control towers, from other airplanes—even sometimes from the stars. And based on that feedback, they make adjustments so that time and time again, they keep returning to the flight plan.
The hope lies not in the deviations but in the vision, the plan, and the ability to get back on track.
The flight of that airplane is, I believe, the ideal metaphor for family life. With regard to our families, it doesn’t make any difference if we are off target or even if our family is a mess. The hope lies in the vision and in the plan and in the courage to keep coming back time and time again.
Sean (our son):
In general, I’d say that our family had as many fights as other families when we were growing up. We had our share of problems, too. But I am convinced that it was the ability to renew, to apologize, and to start again that made our family relationships strong.
On our family trips, for example, Dad would have all these plans for us to get up at 5:00 A.M., have breakfast, and get ready to be on the road by 8:00. The problem was that when the day arrived, we’d all be sleeping in and no one wanted to help. Dad would lose his temper. When we’d finally get off, about twelve hours after the time we were supposed to go, no one would even want to talk to Dad because he was so mad.
But what I remember the most is that Dad always apologized. Always. And it was a humbling thing to see him apologize for losing his temper—especially when you knew deep inside that you were one of the ones who had provoked him.
As I look back, I think what made the difference in our family was that both Mom and Dad would always keep coming back, keep trying—even when we were goofing off, even when it seemed that all their new plans and systems for family meetings and family goals and family chores were never going to work.
As you can see, our family is no exception. I’m no exception. I want to affirm at the very outset that whatever your situation—even if you are having many difficulties, problems, and setbacks—there is tremendous hope in moving toward your destination. The key is in having a destination, a flight plan, and a compass.
This metaphor of the airplane will be used continuously throughout this book to communicate a sense of hope and excitement around the whole idea of building a beautiful family culture.
The Three Purposes of This Book
My desire in writing this book is to help you keep this sense of hope first and foremost in your mind and heart, and to help you develop these three things that will help you and your family stay on track: a destination, a flight plan, and a compass.
1. A clear vision of your destination. I realize that you come to this book with a unique family situation and unique needs. You may be struggling to keep your marriage together or to rebuild it. Or you may already have a good marriage but want a great one—one that is deeply satisfying and fulfilling. You may be a single parent and feel overwhelmed by the relentless crush of demands and pressures put upon you. You may be struggling with a wayward child or a rebellious teenager who is under the control of a gang or drugs or some other negative influence in society. You may be trying to blend two families together who “couldn’t care less.”
Perhaps you want your children to do their jobs and their homework cheerfully, without being reminded. Or you’re feeling challenged trying to fulfill combined (and apparently conflicting) roles in your family life, such as parent, judge, jury, jailer, and friend. Or you’re bouncing back and forth between strictness and permissiveness, not knowing how to discipline.
You may be struggling simply to make ends meet. You may be “robbing Peter to pay Paul.” Your economic worries may almost overwhelm you and consume all your time and your emotions so that there is hardly anything left for relationships. You may have two or more jobs, and you and your loved ones just pass one another like ships in the night. The idea of a beautiful family culture may seem ever so remote.
It could be that the feeling and spirit in your family is contentious, that you have people quarreling, fighting, yelling, screaming, demanding, snarling, sniping, sneering, blaming, criticizing, walking out, slamming doors, ignoring, withdrawing, or whatever. It could be that some older kids won’t even come home, that there seems to be no natural affection left. It could be that the feeling in your marriage has died or is dying, or that you’re feeling empty and alone. Or it could be that you’re working your heart out to make everything nice, and nothing seems to improve. You’re exhausted, and you have a sense of futility and “what’s the use?”
Or you may be a grandparent who cares deeply but doesn’t know how to help without making things worse. Perhaps your relationship with a son or daughter-in-law has become soured, and there’s nothing but surface politeness and a deep cold war inside, which occasionally erupts into a hot one. It could be that you’ve been a victim of abuse for many years—in your upbringing or in your marriage—and you’re desirous and determined to stop that cycle, but you can’t seem to find any pattern or example to follow and keep falling back into the same tendencies and practices you abhor. Or it could be you’re a couple that wants desperately to have children but can’t, and you feel the sweetness in your marriage beginning to slip away.