After you’ve gone through it a few times, you start to recognize that a child behaves the way he does partly because he’s at a certain stage of growth. Development occurs one step at a time, in a kind of predictable sequence. We often hear phrases such as “the terrible twos,” “the trusting threes,” “the frustrating fours,” and “the fascinating fives” used to describe phases of behavior—often predicting hard times during the even years and hoping for smoother sailing during the odd years.
Each child is an individual and different from all others, yet all seem to follow a similar path. Solitary play will gradually evolve into parallel play. These little people, side by side with separate toys and different dialogues, will eventually be able to interact with one another in cooperative play as they grow and mature. Similarly, a child needs to feel ownership and must possess before he can share, crawl before he can walk, understand before he can talk. It’s important for us to be aware of this process—to notice, read about, and learn to recognize growth patterns and stages of development in our own children and their peers.
In so doing you don’t take it personally when your two-year-old breaks away, defies you with a “no!” and tries to establish himself as an independent person. You don’t overreact when your four-year-old uses toilet words and shocking language to get your attention and vacillates between being a self-confident, capable child and a regressive, whiny baby. You don’t call up your mother in tears, confessing that your six-year-old cheats, lies, and steals in order to be first or best, and that your nine-year-old thinks you are dishonest and have no character because you often drive over the speed limit and were caught telling a white lie. Neither do you excuse irresponsible behavior in the name of growth and development or label your child because of birth order, socioeconomic position, or IQ.
Each family learns to understand and solve its own problems by applying the best knowledge, insight, and intuition it has. This might include repeating to yourself phrases such as “This too will pass,” “Steady as she goes,” “Roll with the punches,” “Someday we’ll laugh at this”—or holding your breath and counting to ten before you respond.
The Sequence Is the Key
As you teach Habit 5 to your family and as you begin to operate in your Circle of Influence to live Habit 5 yourself, you will be amazed at the impact it will have on your family culture—even on small children. One father shared this:
I realized the impact of seeking first to understand in the family the other day when I was watching our three sons interact.
Jason, who is one and a half, had just knocked over Matt’s toys, and Matt, who is four years old and not too articulate, was just about to slug his baby brother.
Just at that time Todd, our six-year-old, walked over to Matt and said, “You’re feeling really angry now, aren’t you, Matt? Baby Jason just knocked down all your toys, and you are so angry you want to hit him.” Matt looked at Todd for a moment, mumbled a few words, raised his hands, and walked out of the room.
I thought to myself, Wow, this really works!
Remember, the key to Habit 5 is in the sequence. It’s not just what to do, it’s also why and when. Habit 5 helps us listen—and speak—from the heart. It also opens the door to the incredible family synergy we’ll talk about as we move into Habit 6.
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS
Seek First to Understand
Review the Indian/Eskimo perception experience. Explore the value of realizing that people do not see the world as it is but as they are, or as they have been conditioned to see it.
Discuss together: How important is it to truly understand and empathize with each family member? How well do we really know the members of our family? Do we know their stresses? Their vulnerabilities? Their needs? Their views about life and about themselves? Their hopes and expectations? How can we get to know them better?
Ask family members: Do we see some of the fruits of not understanding in our home, such as frustration over unclear expectations, judgment, slamming doors, blaming and accusing, rudeness, poor relationships, sadness, loneliness, or crying? Discuss what family members could do to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to be heard.
Give some thought to the way you deal with family communication. Discuss the four major autobiographical responses—evaluating, advising, probing, and interpreting. Practice together learning how to give an understanding response.
Review the guidelines in “Empathy: Some Questions and Guidelines” and the story in “How to Do It: Principles of Empathic Listening.” Discuss how this information can help you practice Habit 5 in your family.
Then Seek to Be Understood
Review the material in this chapter. Discuss why seeking first to understand is fundamental to being understood. How can it help you better communicate in the language of the listener?
Consider together how you can nurture a Habit 5 “understanding culture” in your home.
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN
Take the children through the Indian/Eskimo perception experience. When they are able to see both pictures, talk about how there are usually two or more ways of looking at things, and how we really don’t always see or experience things in the same way others do. Encourage them to share any experiences when they felt misunderstood.
Get several pairs of glasses—some prescription, some sunglasses. Let each child look at the same object through a different set of glasses. One might say it’s blurry, dark, blue-tinted, or clear, all depending on what glasses he or she is wearing. Explain that the differences in what they see represent the different ways people see things in life. Let them trade glasses to get an idea of seeing something the way someone else sees it.
Prepare a “taste” platter with a number of different items of food on it. Let everyone taste each item. Compare responses, and talk about how some people may really love a particular food, such as sour pickles, that others find distasteful or bitter. Point out how this is symbolic of how differently people experience life, and explain how important it is for all of us to really understand how other people may experience things differently than we do.
Visit an older family member or friend and ask him or her to share an experience from the past with your children. After the visit, share any information you have that would increase your children’s understanding of what things were like when that person was younger. “Did you know that Mr. Jacobs used to be a tall, good-looking policeman?” “Mrs. Smith was once a schoolteacher and all the kids loved her.” “Grandmother was known as the best pie-maker in town.” Talk about how knowledge and understanding of people help you see them more clearly.
Invite to your house people who have something to share—a musical talent, a recent trip, or an interesting experience. Talk about how much we can learn from listening to and understanding others.
Commit to be a more understanding family by listening better and being more observant. Teach your children to listen—not just with their ears, but also with their eyes, mind, and heart.
Play “mood charades.” Ask children to demonstrate a mood such as anger, sadness, happiness, or disappointment, and let the rest of the family guess what they’re feeling. Point out that you can learn a lot about others by simply watching their faces and body movements.
HABIT 6
SYNERGIZE
A friend of mine shared an insightful experience he had with his son. As you read it, think about what you might have done in his situation.
After one week of practice, my son told me that he wanted to quit the high school basketball team. I told him that if he quit basketball, he would just keep quitting things all of his life. I told him how I had wanted to quit things when I was young, but I didn’t, and that made a dramatic difference in my life. I also told him that all our other sons had been basketball players and that the hard work and cooperation involved in being on the team helped them all. I was confident it would help him, too.
My son didn’t seem to want to understand me at all. With choked emotion he replied, “Dad, I’m not my brothers. I’m not a good player. I’m tired of being harassed by the coach. I have other interests besides basketball.”
I was so upset that I walked away.
For the next two days I felt frustrated each time I thought of this son’s foolish and irresponsible decision. I had a fairly good relationship with him, but it upset me to think that he cared so little about my feelings in this matter. Several times I tried to talk to him, but he simply would not listen.