Notice how understanding helped this couple work together to make better decisions. But notice, too, how understanding the way her husband thought made it possible for this woman to “seek to be understood” much more effectively. She was able to communicate better because she knew how to express her ideas in the language he understood.
Giving Feedback
I know of one man whom people generally consider to be easygoing and accepting of others. One day his wife said, “Our married children have told me that they feel you are too controlling in your relationship with them. They adore you in many ways, but they resent the way you try to channel their activities and their energy.”
This man was devastated. His first response was “There’s no way the children would ever say such a thing! You know that isn’t true. I never interfere in any way with their desires. Such talk is ridiculous, and you know it as well as I do!”
“Nevertheless, that’s the way they feel,” she replied. “And I have to tell you that I’ve noticed it, too. You have a way of pressuring them to do what you think is best.”
“When? When? When did I ever do that? Just tell me one time when I did that.”
“Do you really want to hear?”
“No, I don’t want to hear, because it isn’t true!”
There are times when “being understood” means giving feedback to other family members. And this can be very hard to do. People often don’t want to hear feedback. It doesn’t match the image they have of themselves, and they don’t want to hear anything that reflects an image that is any less than the one they have in their minds.
Everyone has “blind spots”—areas in their lives that they don’t even see but that need to be changed or improved. So when you really love someone, you need to care enough to confront—but in ways that are filled with positive energy and respect. You need to be able to give feedback in a way that actually builds the Emotional Bank Account instead of making withdrawals.
When you need to give feedback, you may find these five keys helpful:
Always ask yourself, “Will this feedback really be helpful to this person, or does it just fulfill my own need to set this person straight?” If there’s any anger inside you, it’s probably not the time or the place to give feedback.
Seek first to understand. Know what’s important to the person and how your feedback will help that person accomplish his or her goals. Always try to speak that person’s language of love.
Separate the person from the behavior. We must continually strive to do this and never judge the person. We might judge the behavior against standards and principles. We might describe our feelings and observe the consequences of this behavior. But we must absolutely refuse to put a label on another person. It is so damning to the person and to the relationship. Instead of describing a person as “lazy” or “stupid” or “selfish” or “dominating” or “chauvinistic,” it is always better to describe instead our observation of the consequences of these behaviors and/or our own feelings, concerns, and perceptions that flow from these behaviors.
Be especially sensitive and patient regarding blind spots. They are “blind” spots because they’re too sensitive to be admitted into conscious awareness. Unless people are prepared to improve things they already know should be improved, giving them information on blind spots is threatening and counterproductive. Also, don’t give feedback on something they can’t realistically do anything about.
Use “I” messages. When you give feedback, it’s important to remember that you’re sharing your own perception—the way you see the world. So give “I” messages: “This is my perception.” “My concern is . . .” “This is how I see it.” “This is the way I feel.” “This is what I observed.” The moment you start sending “you” messages—“You are so self-centered!” “You are causing so much trouble!”—you’re playing God. You’re making yourself the ultimate judge of that person. It’s as if that’s the way the person is. And this becomes a huge withdrawal. What offends people the most—particularly when their heart is right but their behavior is wrong—is the idea that they’re fixed, labeled, categorized, judged. That they can’t change. “I” messages are more horizontal—between human equals. “You” messages are more vertical, indicating that one is better or of greater worth than another.
I remember one time when Sandra and I were concerned about what we felt was a selfish pattern developing in one of our sons. It had been going on for a relatively long period of time, and it was becoming offensive to everyone in the family. We could easily have given quick feedback—just fed it to him really fast and hoped the pattern would change. We’ve done that sometimes. But in this case I said to myself, I’ve really got to pay the price on this one. This is a deeply embedded tendency, but this is not his nature. This is not like him. He has so much graciousness and selflessness and goodness. He needs to know how we feel about his actions.
At the time, we were on a family vacation at a lake. I asked him if he wanted to go for a ride around the lake on our trail cycle. We went for a long, long ride. We took our time. We stopped for drinks at a fresh stream. We were gone probably two and a half to three hours and had a great time. The depth of our interaction, the laughter, the fun, really enhanced our relationship.
Toward the end of our time together, I finally said to him, “Son, one of the reasons I wanted to have this private time with you is that your mother and I have a concern. Would you mind if I shared it with you?”
He said, “Not at all, Dad.”
So I shared with him what we were feeling. He wasn’t offended because I was describing us, not him. “This is what’s concerning us. This is what we feel. This is our perception.” I wasn’t saying, “You are so selfish. You are offending the entire family.”
As well as sharing our concerns, I also shared our perception of his true nature. And the immediate response was so positive! He said, “Oh, yeah, Dad, I can see that. I guess I’ve just really been into myself, and that’s not right.” And he acknowledged this to his mother and to other family members, and he began a process of what you might call “going the second mile.”
Carl Rogers—one of the truly great and insightful researchers and writers on the subject of communication—created a “congruency” model that teaches the importance of both self-awareness and courage to express that awareness in communicating with others. He taught that when people are not aware of what they are feeling inside, they are “incongruent” within. They then have a tendency to intellectualize, compartmentalize, or unknowingly project their own motives on another. This internal incongruency is sensed by others and contributes to an inauthentic communication that is superficial and boring—like small talk at parties.
But he also taught that when people are internally congruent—that is, they’re aware of what they’re feeling—but they deny it and try to act or express themselves otherwise, this external incongruency is usually called insincerity, posturing, or even hypocrisy.
Both forms of incongruency undermine the ability to listen fully to another, and that’s why a great deal of interior work must be done—both to grow in self-awareness and to have the courage to authentically express what you are feeling and thinking inside through authentic “I” messages rather than judgment messages.
We simply must care enough to confront other people. Often the key to developing strong and deep relationships with people is to level with them, to speak the truth in love—to not give in to them but to not give up on them, either. This takes time and patience, but it also takes tremendous courage and the skill of knowing when and how to give “I” messages with respect and tact—sometimes even with forcefulness and sharpness. There are times when really loving people means giving them a shock treatment—shocking them into an awareness of what they’re doing—and then showing more love than ever afterward so they know you really care.
As I think about students I’ve taught over the years, the ones with whom I’ve had the deepest continuing relationships and who have expressed the deepest appreciation to me are usually those with whom I really “leveled” at an appropriate time and place. I was even able to help them understand their blind spots and the ultimate consequences of those blind spots, and to help them work through the process of getting on a growth track.
Joshua (son):
One nice thing about having older brothers or sisters is the feedback they give you.
When I come home from a high school basketball or football game, Mom and Dad will meet me at the door and go over all the key plays that I made. Mom will rave about the talent I have, and Dad will say it was my leadership skills that directed the team to victory.