As one family said, “We’ve sometimes found it hard to live these principles. But it’s much, much harder not to!” Every action has a consequence, and actions that are not based on principles will have unhappy consequences.
So my second purpose in writing this book is to show you how, regardless of your situation, the 7 Habits framework can be an enormously useful tool in helping you diagnose your situation and create positive change from the inside out.
3. A compass. The 7 Habits framework deeply affirms that you are the creative force of your own life and that through your example and leadership you can become a creative force—an agent of change—in your family life. So the third purpose of this book is to help you recognize and develop four unique gifts you have that will enable you to become an agent of change in your family. These gifts become a compass or an inner guidance system that will help your family stay on course as you move toward your destination. They enable you to recognize and align your life with universal principles—even in the midst of turbulent social weather—and they empower you to determine and take whatever action is most appropriate and effective in your situation.
And wouldn’t you agree that any contribution this book makes to you and your family would be far greater if it left you independent of me or any other author, counselor, or so-called advice giver and empowered you to figure out things for yourself and call upon other resources as you felt appropriate?
Again, no one knows your family situation as you do. You are the one in the cockpit. You are the one who has to deal with the turbulence, the weather, the forces that would blow you and your family off track. You are the one who is equipped to understand what needs to happen in your family and to make it happen.
Far more than techniques and practices that may have worked in other situations, you need an approach that will enable you, even empower you, to apply principles in your situation.
There’s an expression in the Far East: “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for the day; teach him how to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” This book is not about giving you a fish. Even though there are scores of illustrations and examples from all kinds of people in all kinds of settings showing how they applied the 7 Habits in their circumstances, the focus of this book is on teaching you how to fish. This will be done by sharing a sequenced set of principles that will help you develop your own capacity to optimize your unique situation. So look beyond the stories. Look for the principles. The stories may not apply to your situation, but I can absolutely guarantee that the principles and the framework will.
The End in Mind: A Beautiful Family Culture
Now this book is about the 7 Habits of highly effective families. So what is “effectiveness” in the family? I suggest it can be captured in four words: a beautiful family culture.
When I say culture, I’m talking about the spirit of the family—the feeling, the “vibes,” the chemistry, the climate or atmosphere in the home. It’s the character of the family—the depth, quality, and maturity of the relationships. It’s the way family members relate to one another and how they feel about one another. It’s the spirit or feeling that grows out of the collective patterns of behavior that characterize family interaction. And these things, like the tip of an iceberg, come out of the unseen mass of shared beliefs and values underneath.
When I talk about a beautiful family culture, I realize that the word “beautiful” may mean different things to different people. But I’m using it to describe a nurturing culture where family members deeply, sincerely, and genuinely enjoy being together, where they have a sense of shared beliefs and values, where they act and interact in ways that really work, based on the principles that govern in all of life. I’m talking about a culture that has moved from “me” to “we.”*
Family itself is a “we” experience, a “we” mentality. And admittedly, the movement from “me” to “we”—from independence to interdependence—is perhaps one of the most challenging and difficult aspects of family life. But like the “road less traveled” spoken of in the Robert Frost poem,14 it’s the road that makes all the difference. Despite the priority that American culture clearly places on individual freedom, immediate gratification, efficiency, and control, there is literally no road laden with as much joy and satisfaction as the road of rich, interdependent family living.
When your happiness comes primarily from the happiness of others, you know you have moved from “me” to “we.” And the whole problem-solving and opportunity-seizing process changes. But until family is really a priority, this movement does not usually take place. Marriage often becomes nothing more than two married singles living together, because the movement from independence to interdependence never happened.
A beautiful family culture is a “we” culture. It reflects that movement. It’s the kind of culture that enables you to work together to select and move toward a “together” destination and to contribute, to make a difference—in society generally and perhaps to other families in particular. It also enables you to deal with the powerful forces that would throw you off track—including turbulent weather outside the plane (the culture we live in and things such as economic dislocation or sudden illness over which you have no control) and turbulent social weather inside the cockpit (contention, lack of communication, and the tendency to criticize, complain, compare, and compete).
Involve Your Family Now
Before you actually move into the 7 Habits, I’d like to acknowledge that the response to the original 7 Habits book and the expressed desire to apply this material to the family has been overwhelming. Based on that response, I have included a few of the family stories which “really worked” that were in the original 7 Habits book.
But most of the stories are new—many, in fact, have been shared by people who are working to apply these principles in their own families.* I suggest that you read the stories with the idea of drawing from them the fundamental principles involved as well as ideas for possible applications—even new and different applications—in your own family.
I would also like to suggest that, if at all possible, you take immediate steps to involve your family right from the beginning. I can guarantee you that the learning will be deeper, the bonding stronger, and the insight and joy greater if you can discover and share together. Also, by doing it together, you won’t find yourself ahead of a spouse or your teenage children who might feel threatened by your new knowledge or your desire to create change. I’m aware of many individuals who got into self-help books on family and began to judge their spouse—so severely that a year later they found themselves “justifiably” divorced.
Learning together will be a powerful force in helping you build a “we” culture. So if at all possible, read the book together—perhaps even out loud to each other. Discuss the stories together. Talk about the ideas together as you go along. You might want to begin by simply sharing some of the stories at the dinner table. Or you may want to become more deeply involved in discussion and application. I’ve included some first-step suggestions at the end of each chapter on ways to teach and involve your family—and even study groups—in the material presented in that chapter. You may also want to refer to the 7 Habits diagram and definitions at the end of this book. Be patient. Go slowly. Respect the level of understanding of each person. Don’t bulldoze through the material. Keep in mind that when you’re working with your family, “slow” is “fast” and “fast” is “slow.”
But again, I acknowledge that you are the expert on your family. Your situation may be such that you don’t want to involve anyone else at this time. You may be dealing with sensitive issues that make doing this together unwise. Or you may simply want to see if this material makes sense to you and then involve others later. Or you may just want to begin with your spouse and some older teenage children.
That’s fine. You know your situation best. All I’m saying is that after years of experience in working with the 7 Habits in many different settings, I have learned that when people go through it together—when they read it together, discuss it together, talk back and forth, and get the new insights and learnings and understandings together—it starts a bonding process that becomes truly exciting. The spirit is one of being equally yoked together: “I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. We’re learning and growing together.” When you share in humility what you are learning, with no intent to “shape up” someone else, it unfreezes the labels or judgments others have of you and makes it “safe,” permissible, and legitimate for you to continue to grow and change.