Reflect for one moment: What were the most memorable family times in your own life? Suppose you were on your deathbed. Would you really wish you’d spent more time watching TV?
In their book Time for Life, sociologists John Robinson and Geoffrey Godbey reported that on the average, Americans spend fifteen of their forty hours of free time every week watching television. They suggest that maybe we are not as “busy” as we seem to be.15
As Marilyn Ferguson said in her landmark book The Aquarian Conspiracy, “Before we choose our tools and technology, we must choose our dreams and values, for some technologies serve them, while others make them unobtainable.”16
It becomes increasingly apparent that the shifts in these meta-structures are dislocating everything. Almost all businesses are being reinvented and restructured to make them more competitive. Globalization of technology and markets is threatening the very survival not only of businesses but of governments, hospitals, health care, and educational systems as well. Every institution—including the family—is being impacted today as never before.
These changes represent a profound shift in the infrastructure, the underlying framework of our society. As Stanley M. Davis, a friend and colleague in various leadership development conferences, has said, “When the infrastructure shifts, everything else rumbles.”17 These meta-structure shifts represent the turning of a major gear, which in turn turns a smaller gear and then a smaller one, and eventually the tiny ones at the other end are whizzing. Every organization is being affected—including the family.
As we’re moving from the industrial to the informational infrastructure, everything is being dislocated and must find its bearing again. And yet many people are completely unaware of all this happening. Even though they see it and it creates anxiety, they don’t know what is happening or why, or what they can do about it.
A High Trapeze Act . . . with No Safety Net!
Where this infrastructure shift affects us all most personally and profoundly is in our families, our homes. Trying to successfully raise a family today is like trying to perform a high trapeze act—a feat that requires tremendous skill and almost unparalleled interdependence—and there’s no safety net!
There used to be a safety net. There were laws that supported the family. The media promoted it, upheld it. Society honored it, sustained it. And the family, in turn, sustained society. But there is no safety net anymore. The culture, the economics, and the law have unraveled it. And technology is accelerating the disintegration.
In a 1992 statement, the U.S. Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Department summarized literally hundreds of research studies of environmental changes over recent years:
Unfortunately, economic circumstances, cultural norms, and federal legislation in the last two decades have helped to create an environment that is less supportive to strong, stable families . . . [and] at the same time these economic changes have occurred, the extended family support system has eroded.18
And all of this has happened so gradually that many are not even aware of it. It’s like the story that author and commentator Malcolm Muggeridge tells about some frogs that were killed without resistance by being boiled alive in a cauldron of water. Normally, a frog thrown into boiling water will immediately jump out, saving his life. But these frogs didn’t jump out. They didn’t even resist. Why? Because when they were put into the cauldron, the water was tepid. Then little by little the temperature was raised. The water became warm . . . then warmer . . . then hot . . . then boiling. The change was so gradual that the frogs accommodated themselves to their new environment until it was too late.
This is exactly what happens with all of these forces in the world. We get used to them and they become our comfort zone—even though they’re literally killing us and our families. In the words of Alexander Pope:
Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As to be hated needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.19
It’s a process of gradual desensitization. And this is exactly what happens when we gradually subordinate principles to social values. These powerful cultural forces fundamentally alter our moral or ethical sense of what is, in fact, right. We even begin to think of social values as principles and call “bad” “good” and “good” “bad.” We lose our moral bearings. The airwaves get polluted with filth. The static makes it difficult to get a clear message from radio control.
And—to use the airplane metaphor again—we experience vertigo. This is what sometimes happens to a pilot who is flying without the use of instruments and goes through a sloping cloud bank, for example. He can no longer perceive ground references, and he may not even be able to tell from the “seat of the pants” sensation (the response of nerve endings in the muscles and joints) or from the tiny balance organs that are part of the inner ear, which way is up—because these feedback mechanisms are both dependent on a correct orientation to the pull of gravity. So as the brain struggles to decipher the messages sent from the senses without the clues normally supplied by vision, incorrect or conflicting interpretation may result. And the result of such sensory confusion is this dizzy, whirling sensation known as vertigo.
Similarly in life, when we encounter extremely powerful influence sources, such as a powerful social culture, charismatic people, or group movements, we experience a kind of conscience or spiritual vertigo. We become disoriented. Our moral compass is thrown off, and we don’t even know it. The needle that in less turbulent times pointed easily to “true north”—or the principles that govern in all of life—is being jerked about by the powerful electric and magnetic fields of the storm.
The Metaphor of the Compass
To demonstrate this phenomenon in my teaching—and to make five important points related to it—I will often get up in front of an audience and ask them to close their eyes. I say, “Now without peeking, everyone point north.” There is a little confusion as they all try to decide and point in the direction they think is north.
I then ask them to open their eyes and see where people are pointing. At that point there’s usually a great deal of laughter because they see that people are pointing in all directions—including straight up.
I then bring out a compass and show the north indicator, and I explain that north is always in the same direction. It never changes. It represents a natural magnetic force on the earth. I have used this demonstration in places throughout the world—including on ships at sea and even on satellite broadcasts with hundreds of thousands of people participating in different locations around the globe. It is one of the most powerful ways I have ever found to communicate that there is such a thing as magnetic north.
I use this illustration to make the first point: Just as there is a “true north”—a constant reality outside ourselves that never changes—so there are natural laws or principles that never change. And these principles ultimately govern all behavior and consequences. From that point on I use “true north” as a metaphor for principles or natural law.
I then proceed to show the difference between “principles” and behavior. I lay the see-through compass on an overhead so they can see the north indicator as well as the arrow that stands for the direction of travel. I move the compass around on the overhead so they can see that while the direction of travel changes, the north indicator never does. So if you want to go due east, you can put the arrow ninety degrees to the right of north and then follow that path.
I then explain that “direction of travel” is an interesting expression because it communicates essentially what people do; in other words, their behavior comes out of their basic values or what they think is important. If going east is important to them, they value that; therefore, they behave accordingly. People can move about based on their own desire and will, but the north indicator is totally independent of their desire and will.
I make the second point: There is a difference between principles (or true north) and our behavior (or direction of travel).
This demonstration enables me to introduce the third point: There is a difference between natural systems (which are based on principles) and social systems (which are based on values and behavior). To illustrate, I ask, “How many have ever ‘crammed’ in school?” Almost the entire audience raises their hands. I then ask, “How many got good at it?” Almost the same number raises their hands again. In other words, “cramming” worked.
I ask, “How many have ever worked on a farm?” Usually 10 to 20 percent raise their hands. I ask those people, “How many of you ever crammed on the farm?” There’s always extensive laughter because people immediately recognize that you can’t cram on the farm. It simply won’t work. It is patently absurd to think you can forget to plant in the spring and goof off all summer, then hit it hard in the fall and expect to bring in the harvest.