Mistake #2: To Ignore the Sequence
The second mistake, which is even more common, is to ignore the sequence: to think that you can explicitly teach without having the relationship; or that you can build a good relationship without being a trustworthy person; or that verbal teaching is sufficient and that the principles and laws of life contained in this verbal teaching do not need to be embodied into the patterns and process, the structures and systems of everyday family life.
But just as the leaves on the tree grow out of the branches, the branches grow out of the limbs, the limbs grow out of the trunk, and the trunk grows out of the roots, so each of these leadership roles grows out of those that precede it. In other words, there is an order here—model, mentor, organize, teach—that represents the true inside-out process. Just as the roots of the tree bring nutrients and life to every other part of the tree, so your own example gives life to your relationships, to your efforts to organize, to your opportunities to teach. Truly, your modeling is the foundation of every other part of the tree. And every other level is a necessary part of those that grow out of it. Effective family leaders recognize this order, and whenever there’s a breakdown, use the sequence to help diagnose the source of the problem and take the steps necessary to resolve it.
In Greek philosophy human influence comes from ethos, pathos, logos. Ethos basically means credibility that comes from example. Pathos comes from the relationship, the emotional alignment, the understanding that is taking place between people and the respect they have for one another. And logos deals with logic—the logic of life, the lessons of life.
As with the 7 Habits, the sequence and the synergy are the important things. People do not hear if they do not feel and see. The logic of life will not take root if you don’t care or if you lack credibility.
Mistake #3: To Think That Once Is Enough
The third mistake is to think that when you have fulfilled these roles once, you don’t have to do them anymore—in other words, to look at fulfilling these roles as an event rather than as an ongoing process.
Model, mentor, organize, and teach are present-tense verbs that must continually take place. They must go on day in and day out. Modeling or example must always be there, including the example of apologizing when we get off course. We must continually make deposits in the Emotional Bank Account because yesterday’s meal does not satisfy today’s hunger, especially in family relationships where expectations are high. Because circumstances are constantly changing, there is always the role of organizing to accommodate that changing reality so that the principles are institutionalized and adapted to the situation. And explicit teaching must constantly go on because people are continually moving from one level of development to another, and the same principles apply differently at different levels of development. In addition, because of changing circumstances and age and stage realities, new principles apply and come into play that must be taught and reinforced.
In our own family we’ve discovered that each child represents his or her own unique challenge, unique world, and unique needs. Each represents a whole new level of commitment and energy and vision. We even sensed with our last child—out of nostalgia for the past glorious years of raising a family—a tendency to overindulge. Perhaps this comes from our own need to be needed, even though our mission statement focuses on producing independence and interdependence.
Joshua (son):
Being the youngest of nine has its advantages. The older kids are always complaining and moaning to Mom and Dad that I’m spoiled and get away with murder. They say that Mom and Dad aren’t half as strict as they used to be, that I don’t have to work and slave like they did. They ask, “What do you do anyway besides pick up your room and take out the garbage?”
They tell me that when they were growing up, it was harder to become an Eagle Scout, their schoolteachers were meaner and tougher, and Mom and Dad weren’t nearly as well off. They complain that while they have to stay home and put food on the table, I get to go on trips. The boys say they used to lift weights and work out and have muscles, but now they have to be responsible—and that’s why they can’t beat me in a game of tennis or basketball anymore. They say I’d better buckle down and get straight A’s if I want to get into a good college, and I’ll never go to graduate school if I read Cliffs Notes instead of doing my own thinking. They tell me that’s why I should listen to their advice and not make the same mistakes they did. They also say for sure I’ll get to go “pro” in whatever sport I choose because they’ve all offered to train me. And if I just do what they say, my life will be a lot easier than they had it.
Even as I write this book, I find myself increasingly grateful for the significance of the airplane metaphor and the opportunity to constantly change and improve and to apply what I’m trying to teach. This has been a forceful reminder to me that we need to keep on keeping on, to endure to the end and respect the laws that govern growth, development, and happiness in all of life. Otherwise, we become like the well-intended person who, seeing a butterfly struggling to come out of its cocoon, wildly swinging its wings to break the one small tendon that holds it to the old form, the old structure, out of a spirit of helpfulness takes a penknife and cuts the remaining tendon. As a result, the butterfly’s wings never fully develop and the butterfly dies.
So we must never think that our work is done—with our children, our grandchildren, even our great-grandchildren.
Once in the Florida Keys I spoke to a group of extremely wealthy retired couples about the importance of the three-generation family. They acknowledged they had essentially compartmentalized their sense of responsibility to their grown children and their grandchildren. Family involvement was not the central force in their lives; it was an occasional “holidays only” guilt reliever justified by the rationale of helping the kids to become independent from them. But as they opened up and leveled, many acknowledged their sadness in this compartmentalization, even abdication, and resolved to become engaged with their families in a number of new ways. Helping our children become independent is important, of course, but this kind of compartmentalized attitude will never create the intergenerational family support system that is needed today to deal with the onslaught of the culture on the nuclear family.
Families often get caught in one of two extremes. Either they become too enmeshed—that is, too emotionally dependent upon one another (and perhaps socially, financially, or intellectually dependent as well)—or, perhaps through fear of dependence, they become too detached, too independent. This is actually a kind of counter/dependence. Sometimes families cultivate independent lifestyles that have the appearance of interdependence even though deep within, there is profound dependence. Usually, you can distinguish between such dependence and true interdependence by listening to the language; people are either in a blaming and accusing mode, or they focus on the future and opportunities and responsibilities.
Only as family members really pay the price by winning the private victory and producing a genuine and balanced independence can they begin to work on the issues of interdependence. With regard to our own intergenerational family, Sandra and I have concluded that the responsibility of being grandparents is secondary to that of being parents. In other words, we have defined our primary job as that of affirming our own children and the job they’re doing with their children. That clear value gives us direction in our involvement with our married children and their families. We are convinced that grandparents must never become anesthetized by the “retirement” mind-set into thinking that there is no longer a vital need for family involvement. You never “retire” from the family. There is always a need for providing ongoing support and affirmation, for being at the crossroads, for building a sense of vision of what the intergenerational family is about.
Even when the children are out of the nest, parents need to recognize their children’s need for affirmation of their roles as parents and of how well they’re doing; they need to recognize their grandchildren’s need to have special time with their grandmother and grandfather, both collectively and one-on-one. In this way they serve as another source of reinforcing the teachings given in that home or help compensate for temporary deficiencies in the home.
The opportunities for intergenerational love and support and for creating a legacy only keep growing as your posterity keeps growing. And regardless of your age, you can always be that “someone” who the best research shows is vital to healthy, happy children and grandchildren—someone who is absolutely, positively, unconditionally “crazy” about them.3 A grandparent is uniquely able to do that.