On the nuclear submarine it was evident that training was constant—both in the basics and also in all the new technology and procedures. Those on the sub were constantly upgrading their training and constantly doing maintenance drills.
This level of investment in renewal reaffirmed to me how constant practicing allows for quick reaction in the moment of need. It also seemed to affirm the importance of having a shared end in mind, and it created a strength of purpose that transcended the monotony of the repetition.
Once again I was reminded of the importance and the impact of Habit 7, sharpening the saw, in all aspects of life.
The Power of Interdependent Renewal
There are many ways you and your family can be involved in “sharpening the saw” renewal, both independently and interdependently.
Independently, you can exercise, eat healthy foods, and work on stress management (physical). You can become regularly involved in building friendships, giving service, being empathic, and creating synergy (social). You can read, visualize, plan, write, develop talents, and learn new skills (mental). You can pray, meditate, read inspirational or sacred literature, and renew your connection and commitment to principles (spiritual). Doing something independently every day in each of these four areas will help you build your individual capacity and regenerate your ability to practice Habits 1, 2, and 3 (Be proactive, Begin with the end in mind, Put first things first) in your own life.
Notice that these activities are all intrinsic, not extrinsic; in other words, none of them is based on any form of comparison with other people. All of them develop an intrinsic sense of personal and family worth that is independent of others and of the environment—even though it manifests itself in relationships and in the environment. Also notice how each lies within a personal or family Circle of Influence.
In addition, in a family, any renewal activity done together builds relationships as well. For example, family members who exercise together not only build their individual physical strength and endurance but they also increase bonding through such physical activity. Family members who read together multiply both learning and bonding through discussing, synergizing, and “piggybacking” ideas. Family members who worship and serve together strengthen one another’s faith as well as their own. They become more unified and connected as they join together in a sacred expression of things that are important to them all.
Consider the way in which consistent one-on-one dates with your spouse or child renew the relationship. Precisely because these dates take such commitment and proactive energy—particularly in the face of a dozen other activities you have to juggle—they say how important that person is to you.
Consider the intimate relationship between a husband and wife. When intimacy is more than physical—when it is emotional, social, mental, and spiritual—it can reach dimensions of the human personality and fulfill some of the deepest hungers that lie in both husband and wife in ways that nothing else can. In addition to procreation, that is one of its central purposes. It requires time and patience, respect and careful thought, honest communication and even prayer. But people who neglect the full approach and deal only with the physical side never know the unfathomable level of unity and satisfaction that can be achieved when all four dimensions are involved.
Consider the weekly family time. When it is planned and prepared for, and when everyone is sincerely involved in the teaching of values, in fun activities, sharing talents, prayer, making refreshments, and so forth, then all four dimensions are integrated, expressed, and renewed.
When these kinds of renewing, relationship-building, saw-sharpening activities take place, the whole dynamic of the family culture is upgraded.
The Essence of Family Renewal: Traditions
In a way you could say that in addition to renewing interpersonal family relationships, the family itself must constantly nurture its collective conscience, social will, social awareness, and common vision. Essentially, that’s what Habit 7 in the family is. These repeating patterns of family renewal are called traditions.
Family traditions include rituals and celebrations and meaningful events that you do in your family. They help you understand who you are: that you are part of a family that’s a strong unit, that you love one another, that you respect and honor one another, that you celebrate one another’s birthdays and special events, and make positive memories for everybody.
Through traditions you reinforce the connection of the family. You give a feeling of belonging, of being supported, of being understood. You are committed to one another. You are a part of something that’s greater than yourself. You express and show loyalty to one another. You need to be needed, you need to be wanted, and you’re glad to be part of a family. When parents and children cultivate traditions that are meaningful to them, every time they go back to that tradition it renews the emotional energy and bonding of the past.
In fact, if I were to put into one word the essence of building this account and sharpening the saw in all four dimensions in the family, that word would be “traditions.” Just think about how traditions such as weekly family times and one-on-ones regenerate your family in all four areas on an ongoing basis.
In our own family the traditions of family nights and one-on-one dates—particularly when the children write the agenda—have probably been the most enriching, renewing, and powerfully bonding parts of our family life over the years. They’ve sharpened our family’s saw. They’ve kept the culture focused on having fun, on constantly renewing our commitments to our central values, and on listening deeply and expressing fully.
In this chapter we’re going to look at a number of other kinds of sharpening-the-saw traditions. I want to acknowledge at the outset that the traditions we share from our family are those that have been meaningful to us. I realize that you may have other traditions in your family and may not relate to these at all. That’s fine. I’m not trying to teach our way of doing it or suggest that our way is best. I’m simply trying to point out the importance of having some renewing traditions in the family culture, and I’m using some of our own experiences to illustrate this.
You will need to decide what traditions truly represent the spirit of your family culture. The main point is that renewing family traditions will help you create and nurture a beautiful family culture that encourages you to keep on track and keeps family members coming back to the flight plan time and time again. These ideas are shared in the hope that they will stimulate thinking and discussion in your family as to what traditions you want to create or strengthen in your own family culture.
Family Dinners
We all have to eat. The way to the heart, mind, and soul is often through the stomach. It takes careful thought and determination, but it’s possible to organize meaningful mealtimes—times without television, without just gulping something down on the run. And it doesn’t have to take forever, either, particularly if everyone does some part in the preparation and in the cleanup.
Family meals are important—even if you have only one family meal each week and that family meal is essentially the “family time” for the week. If the mealtime is meaningful and fun and well prepared, the family table becomes more of an altar than an eating counter.
Marianne Jennings, professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University, wrote an article in which she observed from her own experience just how vital the kitchen table is to family life. Notice how all four dimensions—physical, social, mental, and spiritual—are involved.
I cut out my wedding dress at the same place where I memorized my spelling words. It was in that same place that I ate Archway cookies each day after school. And it was there that I prepared for my SAT. My husband-to-be was grilled mercilessly in that same spot. Much of what I have learned and hold dear is inextricably intertwined with the kitchen table. This 4-by-6 scratched and worn piece of furniture was a small physical part of my home. Yet as I look back on what we did there, I realize that it was a key to the life I now have.
Each night during my youth it was the kitchen table where I was held accountable for the day’s events. “When is the next report card?” “Did you clean up the mess in the basement?” “Did you practice your piano today?”
If you wanted dinner, you had to accept the accompanying interrogation that would have violated my Miranda rights if I had done something more than attempt to bathe the neighbor’s parakeet. There was no escaping the nightly confrontation with accountability.
But that kitchen table was not just a source of fear, it was my security blanket. No matter how rough the day’s tauntings had been and no matter how discouraged I was over long division, the kitchen table and its adult caretakers were there every night to comfort and support.