Everyone likes to feel as if they were missed. It’s nice to be greeted and have a fuss made over you so that you feel assured that you’re an important part of the family. It’s very rewarding to have someone listen to you, ask about your concerns, sense your mood, and seem to love being with you. It takes a little practice and effort, but it’s well worth it.
I remember at a small dinner party at a friend’s house one night, one of the guests arrived alone, stating that her husband had been delayed and would come within the hour. He came in about forty-five minutes later, apologizing for the delay. When he arrived, our friend Sabra’s eyes and face lit up. Her smile and sense of excitement in seeing him conveyed to everyone their love for each other. It was obvious that they missed each other during the time they had been separated.
I thought to myself, What a warm welcome! He’s a lucky man. About a year later Woody, the husband, had a sudden illness. Within weeks he died unexpectedly. Everyone was shocked. I think Sabra was glad she had always made so much of their comings and goings by taking a moment to express her love for him.
We’ve also tried to “adopt” our children’s friends.
Sean (son):
In high school I had a few friends on the football team who were kind of wild. What Mom and Dad did, basically, was adopt my friends. They videotaped every game, and afterward invited everyone to our house for pizza. About half the team would show up, and we’d watch the game together. So all my friends got to like my parents. They thought my parents were cool, and so did I. The really neat thing about that was that many of my friends ended up being influenced by our family instead of the other way around. And some of those kids turned their lives around.
David (son):
Our house was always the neighborhood hangout because my mother welcomed all our friends and was willing to put up with the chaos that often accompanied our get-togethers. There were times when I would show up from high school with four or five ravenous football friends, and upon entering the kitchen, I would pound the table and jokingly bellow to my mother, “Feed my face! Feed my friends’ faces!” She would laugh and win my friends’ loyalty with a fine meal, regardless of the hour. Her sense of humor and willingness to put up with such inconveniences made our home a welcome environment that I felt confident bringing friends into.
These traditions—big and small—are the things that bond us, renew us, and give us identity as a family. And each family is unique. Each family must discover and create its own. Our children have grown up with a lot of traditions, but they have discovered—as everyone does—that when you marry, you may well enter into a relationship with someone who has an entirely different set of traditions. And this is why it’s important to practice Habits 4, 5, and 6 and decide together which traditions reflect the kind of family you want to be.
Traditions Bring Family Healing
Over time, these renewing traditions become one of the most powerful forces in the family culture. And no matter what your past or current situation, they are something you can become aware of, create in your own family, and possibly even extend to others who may never have had the benefit of such renewal in their lives.
I know of one man who grew up in a very cynical home environment. He eventually married a wonderful woman who began to help him find out who he really was and discover his great untapped potential. As his confidence grew, he became increasingly aware of the toxic nature of his past environment and began to identify more and more with his wife’s family and parents. Her family had its normal challenges, but their culture was fundamentally nurturing, caring, and empowering.
For this man, to return “home” was to go to his wife’s home—to laugh with her family and to talk late at night with her parents who loved him, believed in him, and encouraged him. In fact, recently, this man—who is now forty years old—called his in-laws to ask if he could spend a weekend with them—visiting with the family, staying in the guest bedroom, and joining in their meals. They quickly replied, “Of course you can come!” It was like returning to his childhood and being healed by “the family.” After the visit, this man remarked, “It’s like being bathed and renewed again—and overcoming my youth and finding hope.” With new strength, this man is becoming a model and mentor to his own mother and family and helping to rebuild stability and hope there.
In any distress or disease, true healing involves all four dimensions: the physical (including the best art and science available in the medical or alternative medical field, as well as keeping the body vital and strong), the social/emotional (including generating positive energy and avoiding negative energy such as criticism, envy, and hatred, as well as being connected to the support base created by family and friends who are all adding their faith, prayers, and support), the mental (including learning about illness and visualizing the immune system of the body fighting it), and the spiritual (including exercising faith and tapping into those spiritual powers higher than our own). Family renewal helps make this four-dimensional healing available to everyone in the family. It helps create the powerful immune system we talked about in Habit 6 that enables people to handle difficulties and setbacks, and promotes physical, social, mental, and spiritual health.
Recognizing the power of renewal and renewing traditions in the family opens the door to all kinds of interaction and creativity in developing a beautiful family culture. In fact, sharpening the saw is the single highest leverage activity in life because it affects everything else so powerfully. It renews all the other habits and helps create a powerful magnetlike force in the family culture that consistently draws people toward the flight path and helps them stay on track.
As important as traditions are, it’s good to remember that the best of them don’t always work out perfectly. In our own family, for example, we get ready to go into the family room on Christmas morning. We line everyone up—youngest to oldest—on the stairs. We turn on Christmas music and set up the video camera. We say, “Is everyone excited? Okay, let’s go!” And inevitably, in the stampede, the youngest one falls down and starts crying. When we all get together, there are a lot of people in one place. It’s very crowded. And we occasionally have our arguments.
But, amazingly, through it all these traditions are the things people remember. These are the things that bond and unify and renew us as a family. They renew us socially and mentally and physically and spiritually. And with this renewal we are able to return refreshed to the everyday challenges of life.
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS
Can Family Relationships Drift Apart?
Review the material on “Entropy.” Ask family members: What is entropy? Discuss the idea that “all things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception.” Ask: In what ways might entropy become evident in a relationship?
What Are Some Ways to Bond the Family Together?
Discuss: What traditions work best for our family? Responses might include family dinners, birthday celebrations, family vacations, holidays, or other occasions.
Ask family members what traditions they have noticed in other families. Ask what they have seen these families do to effectively nurture their traditions.
Review the material on “Extended and Intergenerational Family Activities.” Ask family members what extended and intergenerational family traditions they enjoy or would like to establish.
Discuss how renewing activities—such as having fun together, learning together, worshiping together, working together, and serving together—meet the basic needs to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy, and to laugh.
How Do You Nurture the Spirit of Family Renewal?
Discuss the stories in this chapter. Ask family members: Are we taking the time to “sharpen the saw”? What can we do as a family to better practice the spirit of renewal?
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN
Give each child paper and a pencil with a broken lead. Ask him or her to draw a picture of the family. It won’t work. Ask the child to press a little harder. It still won’t work. Ask: What needs to happen? The child will respond that the pencil needs to be sharpened. Now share the story of the woodcutter and see what other things he or she can think of that need to be constantly maintained and renewed in order to work. Ask What would happen if we forgot to buy gas? To have the brakes checked on the car? To buy groceries? To celebrate Mother’s Day, someone’s birthday, or some other event important to a family member? What can we do to ensure that we always sharpen the family saw?