Roughing It by Mark Twain

was a rustler! You ought to seen him get started once. He was a bully

boy with a glass eye! Just spit in his face and give him room according

to his strength, and it was just beautiful to see him peel and go in.

He was the worst son of a thief that ever drawed breath. Pard, he was on

it! He was on it bigger than an Injun!”

“On it? On what?”

“On the shoot. On the shoulder. On the fight, you understand.

He didn’t give a continental for any body. Beg your pardon, friend, for

coming so near saying a cuss-word–but you see I’m on an awful strain, in

this palaver, on account of having to cramp down and draw everything so

mild. But we’ve got to give him up. There ain’t any getting around

that, I don’t reckon. Now if we can get you to help plant him–”

“Preach the funeral discourse? Assist at the obsequies?”

“Obs’quies is good. Yes. That’s it–that’s our little game. We are

going to get the thing up regardless, you know. He was always nifty

himself, and so you bet you his funeral ain’t going to be no slouch–

solid silver door-plate on his coffin, six plumes on the hearse, and a

nigger on the box in a biled shirt and a plug hat–how’s that for high?

And we’ll take care of you, pard. We’ll fix you all right. There’ll be

a kerridge for you; and whatever you want, you just ‘scape out and we’ll

‘tend to it. We’ve got a shebang fixed up for you to stand behind, in

No. 1’s house, and don’t you be afraid. Just go in and toot your horn,

if you don’t sell a clam. Put Buck through as bully as you can, pard,

for anybody that knowed him will tell you that he was one of the whitest

men that was ever in the mines. You can’t draw it too strong. He never

could stand it to see things going wrong. He’s done more to make this

town quiet and peaceable than any man in it. I’ve seen him lick four

Greasers in eleven minutes, myself. If a thing wanted regulating, he

warn’t a man to go browsing around after somebody to do it, but he would

prance in and regulate it himself. He warn’t a Catholic. Scasely. He

was down on ’em. His word was, ‘No Irish need apply!’ But it didn’t

make no difference about that when it came down to what a man’s rights

was–and so, when some roughs jumped the Catholic bone-yard and started

in to stake out town-lots in it he went for ’em! And he cleaned ’em,

too! I was there, pard, and I seen it myself.”

“That was very well indeed–at least the impulse was–whether the act was

strictly defensible or not. Had deceased any religious convictions?

That is to say, did he feel a dependence upon, or acknowledge allegiance

to a higher power?’

More reflection.

“I reckon you’ve stumped me again, pard. Could you say it over once

more, and say it slow?”

“Well, to simplify it somewhat, was he, or rather had he ever been

connected with any organization sequestered from secular concerns and

devoted to self-sacrifice in the interests of morality?”

“All down but nine–set ’em up on the other alley, pard.”

“What did I understand you to say?”

“Why, you’re most too many for me, you know. When you get in with your

left I hunt grass every time. Every time you draw, you fill; but I don’t

seem to have any luck. Lets have a new deal.”

“How? Begin again?”

“That’s it.”

“Very well. Was he a good man, and–”

“There–I see that; don’t put up another chip till I look at my hand.

A good man, says you? Pard, it ain’t no name for it. He was the best

man that ever–pard, you would have doted on that man. He could lam any

galoot of his inches in America. It was him that put down the riot last

election before it got a start; and everybody said he was the only man

that could have done it. He waltzed in with a spanner in one hand and a

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