Roughing It by Mark Twain

trumpet in the other, and sent fourteen men home on a shutter in less

than three minutes. He had that riot all broke up and prevented nice

before anybody ever got a chance to strike a blow. He was always for

peace, and he would have peace–he could not stand disturbances. Pard,

he was a great loss to this town. It would please the boys if you could

chip in something like that and do him justice. Here once when the Micks

got to throwing stones through the Methodis’ Sunday school windows, Buck

Fanshaw, all of his own notion, shut up his saloon and took a couple of

six-shooters and mounted guard over the Sunday school. Says he, ‘No

Irish need apply!’ And they didn’t. He was the bulliest man in the

mountains, pard! He could run faster, jump higher, hit harder, and hold

more tangle-foot whisky without spilling it than any man in seventeen

counties. Put that in, pard–it’ll please the boys more than anything

you could say. And you can say, pard, that he never shook his mother.”

“Never shook his mother?”

“That’s it–any of the boys will tell you so.”

“Well, but why should he shake her?”

“That’s what I say–but some people does.”

“Not people of any repute?”

“Well, some that averages pretty so-so.”

“In my opinion the man that would offer personal violence to his own

mother, ought to–”

“Cheese it, pard; you’ve banked your ball clean outside the string.

What I was a drivin’ at, was, that he never throwed off on his mother–

don’t you see? No indeedy. He give her a house to live in, and town

lots, and plenty of money; and he looked after her and took care of her

all the time; and when she was down with the small-pox I’m d—d if he

didn’t set up nights and nuss her himself! Beg your pardon for saying

it, but it hopped out too quick for yours truly.

You’ve treated me like a gentleman, pard, and I ain’t the man to hurt

your feelings intentional. I think you’re white. I think you’re a

square man, pard. I like you, and I’ll lick any man that don’t. I’ll

lick him till he can’t tell himself from a last year’s corpse! Put it

there!” [Another fraternal hand-shake–and exit.]

The obsequies were all that “the boys” could desire. Such a marvel of

funeral pomp had never been seen in Virginia. The plumed hearse, the

dirge-breathing brass bands, the closed marts of business, the flags

drooping at half mast, the long, plodding procession of uniformed secret

societies, military battalions and fire companies, draped engines,

carriages of officials, and citizens in vehicles and on foot, attracted

multitudes of spectators to the sidewalks, roofs and windows; and for

years afterward, the degree of grandeur attained by any civic display in

Virginia was determined by comparison with Buck Fanshaw’s funeral.

Scotty Briggs, as a pall-bearer and a mourner, occupied a prominent place

at the funeral, and when the sermon was finished and the last sentence of

the prayer for the dead man’s soul ascended, he responded, in a low

voice, but with feelings:

“AMEN. No Irish need apply.”

As the bulk of the response was without apparent relevancy, it was

probably nothing more than a humble tribute to the memory of the friend

that was gone; for, as Scotty had once said, it was “his word.”

Scotty Briggs, in after days, achieved the distinction of becoming the

only convert to religion that was ever gathered from the Virginia roughs;

and it transpired that the man who had it in him to espouse the quarrel

of the weak out of inborn nobility of spirit was no mean timber whereof

to construct a Christian. The making him one did not warp his generosity

or diminish his courage; on the contrary it gave intelligent direction to

the one and a broader field to the other.

If his Sunday-school class progressed faster than the other classes, was

it matter for wonder? I think not. He talked to his pioneer small-fry

in a language they understood! It was my large privilege, a month before

he died, to hear him tell the beautiful story of Joseph and his brethren

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