Roughing It by Mark Twain

accepted the pious fraud with the maddest enthusiasm, and Brigham’s power

was sealed and secured for all time. Within five years afterward he

openly added polygamy to the tenets of the church by authority of a

“revelation” which he pretended had been received nine years before by

Joseph Smith, albeit Joseph is amply on record as denouncing polygamy to

the day of his death.

Now was Brigham become a second Andrew Johnson in the small beginning and

steady progress of his official grandeur. He had served successively as

a disciple in the ranks; home missionary; foreign missionary; editor and

publisher; Apostle; President of the Board of Apostles; President of all

Mormondom, civil and ecclesiastical; successor to the great Joseph by the

will of heaven; “prophet,” “seer,” “revelator.” There was but one

dignity higher which he could aspire to, and he reached out modestly and

took that–he proclaimed himself a God!

He claims that he is to have a heaven of his own hereafter, and that he

will be its God, and his wives and children its goddesses, princes and

princesses. Into it all faithful Mormons will be admitted, with their

families, and will take rank and consequence according to the number of

their wives and children. If a disciple dies before he has had time to

accumulate enough wives and children to enable him to be respectable in

the next world any friend can marry a few wives and raise a few children

for him after he is dead, and they are duly credited to his account and

his heavenly status advanced accordingly.

Let it be borne in mind that the majority of the Mormons have always been

ignorant, simple, of an inferior order of intellect, unacquainted with

the world and its ways; and let it be borne in mind that the wives of

these Mormons are necessarily after the same pattern and their children

likely to be fit representatives of such a conjunction; and then let it

be remembered that for forty years these creatures have been driven,

driven, driven, relentlessly! and mobbed, beaten, and shot down; cursed,

despised, expatriated; banished to a remote desert, whither they

journeyed gaunt with famine and disease, disturbing the ancient solitudes

with their lamentations and marking the long way with graves of their

dead–and all because they were simply trying to live and worship God in

the way which they believed with all their hearts and souls to be the

true one. Let all these things be borne in mind, and then it will not be

hard to account for the deathless hatred which the Mormons bear our

people and our government.

That hatred has “fed fat its ancient grudge” ever since Mormon Utah

developed into a self-supporting realm and the church waxed rich and

strong. Brigham as Territorial Governor made it plain that Mormondom was

for the Mormons. The United States tried to rectify all that by

appointing territorial officers from New England and other anti-Mormon

localities, but Brigham prepared to make their entrance into his

dominions difficult. Three thousand United States troops had to go

across the plains and put these gentlemen in office. And after they were

in office they were as helpless as so many stone images. They made laws

which nobody minded and which could not be executed. The federal judges

opened court in a land filled with crime and violence and sat as holiday

spectacles for insolent crowds to gape at–for there was nothing to try,

nothing to do nothing on the dockets! And if a Gentile brought a suit,

the Mormon jury would do just as it pleased about bringing in a verdict,

and when the judgment of the court was rendered no Mormon cared for it

and no officer could execute it. Our Presidents shipped one cargo of

officials after another to Utah, but the result was always the same–they

sat in a blight for awhile they fairly feasted on scowls and insults day

by day, they saw every attempt to do their official duties find its

reward in darker and darker looks, and in secret threats and warnings of

a more and more dismal nature–and at last they either succumbed and

became despised tools and toys of the Mormons, or got scared and

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