Roughing It by Mark Twain

was a god.

Only a mile or so from Kealakekua Bay is a spot of historic interest–the

place where the last battle was fought for idolatry. Of course we

visited it, and came away as wise as most people do who go and gaze upon

such mementoes of the past when in an unreflective mood.

While the first missionaries were on their way around the Horn, the

idolatrous customs which had obtained in the island, as far back as

tradition reached were suddenly broken up. Old Kamehameha I., was dead,

and his son, Liholiho, the new King was a free liver, a roystering,

dissolute fellow, and hated the restraints of the ancient tabu. His

assistant in the Government, Kaahumanu, the Queen dowager, was proud and

high-spirited, and hated the tabu because it restricted the privileges of

her sex and degraded all women very nearly to the level of brutes.

So the case stood. Liholiho had half a mind to put his foot down,

Kaahumahu had a whole mind to badger him into doing it, and whiskey did

the rest. It was probably the rest. It was probably the first time

whiskey ever prominently figured as an aid to civilization. Liholiho

came up to Kailua as drunk as a piper, and attended a great feast; the

determined Queen spurred his drunken courage up to a reckless pitch, and

then, while all the multitude stared in blank dismay, he moved

deliberately forward and sat down with the women!

They saw him eat from the same vessel with them, and were appalled!

Terrible moments drifted slowly by, and still the King ate, still he

lived, still the lightnings of the insulted gods were withheld!

Then conviction came like a revelation–the superstitions of a hundred

generations passed from before the people like a cloud, and a shout went

up, “the tabu is broken! the tabu is broken!”

Thus did King Liholiho and his dreadful whiskey preach the first sermon

and prepare the way for the new gospel that was speeding southward over

the waves of the Atlantic.

The tabu broken and destruction failing to follow the awful sacrilege,

the people, with that childlike precipitancy which has always

characterized them, jumped to the conclusion that their gods were a weak

and wretched swindle, just as they formerly jumped to the conclusion that

Captain Cook was no god, merely because he groaned, and promptly killed

him without stopping to inquire whether a god might not groan as well as

a man if it suited his convenience to do it; and satisfied that the idols

were powerless to protect themselves they went to work at once and pulled

them down–hacked them to pieces–applied the torch–annihilated them!

The pagan priests were furious. And well they might be; they had held

the fattest offices in the land, and now they were beggared; they had

been great–they had stood above the chiefs–and now they were vagabonds.

They raised a revolt; they scared a number of people into joining their

standard, and Bekuokalani, an ambitious offshoot of royalty, was easily

persuaded to become their leader.

In the first skirmish the idolaters triumphed over the royal army sent

against them, and full of confidence they resolved to march upon Kailua.

The King sent an envoy to try and conciliate them, and came very near

being an envoy short by the operation; the savages not only refused to

listen to him, but wanted to kill him. So the King sent his men forth

under Major General Kalaimoku and the two host met a Kuamoo. The battle

was long and fierce–men and women fighting side by side, as was the

custom–and when the day was done the rebels were flying in every

direction in hopeless panic, and idolatry and the tabu were dead in the

land!

The royalists marched gayly home to Kailua glorifying the new

dispensation. “There is no power in the gods,” said they; “they are a

vanity and a lie. The army with idols was weak; the army without idols

was strong and victorious!”

The nation was without a religion.

The missionary ship arrived in safety shortly afterward, timed by

providential exactness to meet the emergency, and the Gospel was planted

as in a virgin soil.

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