Roughing It by Mark Twain

and ashes of indignation, belching black volumes of foul history aloft,

and vomiting red-hot torrents of profanity from his crater. Meantime

Williams sat silent, and apparently deeply and earnestly interested in

what the old man was saying. By and by, when the lull came, he said in

the most deferential way, and with the gratified air of a man who has had

a mystery cleared up which had been puzzling him uncomfortably:

“Now I understand it. I always thought I knew that piece of history well

enough, but was still afraid to trust it, because there was not that

convincing particularity about it that one likes to have in history; but

when you mentioned every name, the other day, and every date, and every

little circumstance, in their just order and sequence, I said to myself,

this sounds something like–this is history–this is putting it in a

shape that gives a man confidence; and I said to myself afterward, I will

just ask the Admiral if he is perfectly certain about the details, and if

he is I will come out and thank him for clearing this matter up for me.

And that is what I want to do now–for until you set that matter right it

was nothing but just a confusion in my mind, without head or tail to it.”

Nobody ever saw the Admiral look so mollified before, and so pleased.

Nobody had ever received his bogus history as gospel before; its

genuineness had always been called in question either by words or looks;

but here was a man that not only swallowed it all down, but was grateful

for the dose. He was taken a back; he hardly knew what to say; even his

profanity failed him. Now, Williams continued, modestly and earnestly:

“But Admiral, in saying that this was the first stone thrown, and that

this precipitated the war, you have overlooked a circumstance which you

are perfectly familiar with, but which has escaped your memory. Now I

grant you that what you have stated is correct in every detail–to wit:

that on the 16th of October, 1860, two Massachusetts clergymen, named

Waite and Granger, went in disguise to the house of John Moody, in

Rockport, at dead of night, and dragged forth two southern women and

their two little children, and after tarring and feathering them conveyed

them to Boston and burned them alive in the State House square; and I

also grant your proposition that this deed is what led to the secession

of South Carolina on the 20th of December following. Very well.” [Here

the company were pleasantly surprised to hear Williams proceed to come

back at the Admiral with his own invincible weapon–clean, pure,

manufactured history, without a word of truth in it.] “Very well, I say.

But Admiral, why overlook the Willis and Morgan case in South Carolina?

You are too well informed a man not to know all about that circumstance.

Your arguments and your conversations have shown you to be intimately

conversant with every detail of this national quarrel. You develop

matters of history every day that show plainly that you are no smatterer

in it, content to nibble about the surface, but a man who has searched

the depths and possessed yourself of everything that has a bearing upon

the great question. Therefore, let me just recall to your mind that

Willis and Morgan case–though I see by your face that the whole thing is

already passing through your memory at this moment. On the 12th of

August, 1860, two months before the Waite and Granger affair, two South

Carolina clergymen, named John H. Morgan and Winthrop L. Willis, one a

Methodist and the other an Old School Baptist, disguised themselves, and

went at midnight to the house of a planter named Thompson–Archibald F.

Thompson, Vice President under Thomas Jefferson,–and took thence, at

midnight, his widowed aunt, (a Northern woman,) and her adopted child, an

orphan–named Mortimer Highie, afflicted with epilepsy and suffering at

the time from white swelling on one of his legs, and compelled to walk on

crutches in consequence; and the two ministers, in spite of the pleadings

of the victims, dragged them to the bush, tarred and feathered them, and

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